My 10 minute Tiger post AKA Use only as directed

OK, I haven't written in forever...but this one is just too good. However, I don't have very much time to write...my kids have a snow day today. So here's my 2 cents in 2 minutes.

My theory. Tiger has trouble sleeping...you would too if you were worried your wife was going to find out you were sleeping with 9 other women.

He takes a few Ambien Thanksgiving night. His family is over the house, so sneaking out to feed the sex addiction is a little risky...better to just render yourself unconscious with a sleeping aide. But remember how a few years back they said those pills could make you do things at night and not remember in the morning? People were gaining weight because they were stuffing their faces while asleep...ring any bells? They also talked about driving while on Ambien which is what I think TW might have been doing that night...'cause really, even if your wife is swinging a golf club at you is it necessary to hit a fire hydrant AND a tree?

So, he's drugged up, drives, hurts himself because he's asleep, and a few days later every woman he's ever slept with is crawling out of the woodwork. See, kids, don't do drugs. A few Ambien is going to cost him at the very least a few million. Unless he can talk his wife into the old "I slept with those women while asleep on Ambien" excuse.

sequestered and submissive

I have two posts to write, and no time to do it. So, I owe you.

One is about my experience at jury duty, and a related one about the female gender are forthcoming...

...someday.

TV Time

Here's my opinion on the new fall TV season: Wow. Strike affected much? Yikes.

I like TV. Generally, I like a lotta TV. But I'm having a hard time finding good television. OK, I KNOW it exists on cable, but seriously, I don't know where some of those channels are. I can't locate them partly because they are not in HD and mostly because I'm lazy. Also, if I haven't jumped on a show early I probably won't...unless I netflix it over the summer.

My TV tastes:

After watching a lot of reality TV, I'm kinda over it. If I wanted to watch dumb people do stupid things, I'd go back to working full-time again. The two big exceptions are TLC and HGTV. Those are my go-to channels for mindless crap.

I never have gotten into procedurals. Sorry, I like the "donk-donk" sound effect that L&O uses, but that has never gotten me to watch an entire show. I think the LL Cool J and Robin NCIS looks OK, but that hasn't gotten me to tune in yet.

OK, so a weekly sched looks like this:

Monday: How I Met Your Mom and Big Bang. These are now an hour and a half apart, which makes no sense to me. Truthfully, the only reason I started watching Big Bang is BNL sings the theme song but now it's grown on me. The guy that plays Sheldon is a good fit.

I was a late arrival to Mom but I really like the camaraderie....makes me wish I had friends:)

Tuesday: Slow day. I've gotten into The Good Wife and so far it's been a good one. The pilot was amazing, but it's slowly morphing into a procedural. We'll see. Julianna M is amazing though.

Wednesday: I DVR Old Christine and watch it on the wknd when I can't find anything else on. It's more like I watch it out of habit than anything else. But I guess I should have been named something that starts with "Jul" because Julia L-D (like Julianna M the night before) looks better each year.

My new pick is Glee. I love the singing and dancing...the plot is kinda poorly written though. It's from the same guy as nip/tuck so I hope it doesn't get too soapy. But it's fun and I've got a TV crush on the teacher who dances REAL well.
I also like Modern Family...fun, relatable, so far some decent writing. (Who am I to talk about decent writing? Half the time my blog doesn't make any sense...of course, I'm not getting paid to write it....)

Thursdays suck. There is too much to watch! Why all the good shows are clumped together on one night makes me crazy...I know it's advertising related, but as a consumer...c'mon!
I usually do:

The Office (Pam and Jim are getting married tonight!)
Community (Joel McHale is fantastic, writing is quick and funny)
Greys (more out of habit, it's gotten really bad but it's like a car crash, I can't look away)
Private Practice (great actors saying very poor things)
Flash Forward (which gets bumped to later on in the week but is a fun little show while I'm waiting for LOST to come back)
Chad watches Survivor but I can't cause the bad guy always wins and that makes me crazy.
Also, I used to DVR Ace of Cakes & Project Runway but I usually catch a rerun later in the week now so my DVR doesn't explode. OK, I used to watch (as in up until right now) Models of the Runway but it's so stupid I don't want to admit to it. I swear I'm gonna quit soon...I can stop whenever I want to, so it's no big deal.

Fridays I've got Ugly Betty coming up next week. Yea.

Sundays (because they've conceded Saturday is NOT a TV night.) I do Desperate Housewives...mainly because I have always done it and there really usually isn't anything else on.

Still to Come: 30 Rock, LOST, and Friday Night Lights. Yea.

Some randomness TV musings:

I have no comment on Jay Leno, because, like when he was on later, I haven't watched it.

Gee, Kelsey Grammer I liked you well enough in Cheers and you did a swell job on Frasier, but please take your residuals and go away, no one wants to see you in bad slapstick comedies anymore. Please?

While I like an occasional song being remade, rehashing TV shows is lame. I'm looking at you 90210. Rehashing movies aren't any better.

So what shows should I be watching and what do you think of the state of TV?

Family Fun

No matter how far away I am or how old I become, my family will always be around to make me laugh (or at least roll my eyes heavily). Now that I have "my own family," I sometimes forget how important those people are who knew you way back in the minor leagues. It's like loving KFC's original recipe until you try their extra tasty crispy...but sometimes going back to the original is good for the soul (mixing metaphors and raising your cholesterol all in the same sentence, it's good to be back!)

Case in point. Yesterday was my birthday. Wait, some quick background: I have 4 brothers and sisters and I am the oldest. (Like anyone who reads this would NOT know that. Hello mom and Suze..both my readers!)

OK, yesterday my oldest brother texts my middle brother with a reminder to call me. But said message states "Call your sister." Having 2 sisters, he waits for more instructions...then gets bored and decides to call me.

Middle brother: Hey, what's going on?

Me: Nothing, what's up?

More unrelated small talk for like 5 minutes.

Mb: So, why am I supposta be calling you...are you popping out another kid or something?

Me: (Totally didn't realize up until this point he had NO IDEA it was my birthday.) Tell you what, why don't you think about it and call me back.

Mb: Huh?! OK.

Click.

A full 5 minutes later--

Middle brother: So I was talking to my girlfriend telling her this story. She says it's your birthday. So happy birthday.

So there it is. Kevin being so Kevin. What more can I expect from a boy whose feet smell like ranch doritos? (Good thing he doesn't read this, and you might think I'm being mean, but his feet are so foul they once stopped a monopoly game from continuing...and then he cried about it.) There, got my revenge via the interweb. Feels good.

Oh, and if my mom didn't read this, I'd totally go on and on about how she stole my camera while she was here this weekend so there won't be any photographic memories of the 5th anniversary of my 29th birthday. It's so my mom to take a camera that didn't look like hers and put it in her purse even though it didn't fit into her camera case (cause her case was already filled with HER OWN CAMERA). I thought I saw her do it and almost asked her but I was distracted by something...oh yea, her trying to take my phone (in her defense, we do have the same model phone and she wasn't feeling well and all is fine now but it does make a good story...thanks mom! Love ya!)

So, no matter what, your family will always be your family. You didn't pick them, and that's part of the fun.

Closed for summer

Ok, so I haven't been keeping up. Blame summer...and swimming lessons and story hour and art class and the park and swings and the sandbox and all the other things that keep me away from my computer. I would love a laptop but need the funds and wireless Internet, so until then....

LAME RANDOM THOUGHTS--

How does one man go from most pitied man on the planet to most lame-o quarterlife crisis at 32 making him hated by millions? I'm not sure but maybe Jon Gosslin has an idea. Really Jon, a 22 year old? Really? Too cliche!

I read Twilight this week. I can see how many love the series (clumsy girl has a thing for most beautiful boy who is dark and mysterious and uber romantic and what's this...he loves her too? I can almost feel the teenagers swoon.) While it was a very quick read it was good, but no Harry Potter. I had a real problem with the fact the vamp who can run real fast and speeds cars hundreds of miles an hour takes an airplane to save the girl he loves.

Thanks ABC for burning off my favorite cancelled shows on Saturday night. It gives me something to watch on the DVR during the week. You can almost tell when all the good writers jumped ship. RIP Pushing Daisies, Eli Stone, and Dirty Sexy Money.

Is facebook a female thing? The only guys I know who are on it apparently don't work very hard while the women are used to multi-tasking. Total gender stereotyping I know, but prove me wrong.

Ok, kids are getting restless. More in the fall?

I heart TV

May sweeps how I love you!

Lost season finale. I fear I will just be pissed I have to wait 8 months for some answers. I think what we will get tonight is a giant cliff hanger...and Juliet dead. Just guessing people. Oh, and if you watched the last few eps of Felicity, you totally know what's going to happen. Mark my words.

Grey's. Oh Shonda...Will you kill Izzie? Maybe. George might be going to join the army too. It might have been what he was doing when he wasn't there most of the season. All I know is I'll need lots of tissues. So glad I'll be at mom's house watching instead of sobbing in front of husband. He always laughs.

AI: Danny Gokey. He won't sell that many records but Adam bugs me. I'll probably buy Kris' single first. If Kris makes it to the finals, it's only because 13 year old girls have nothing better to do than vote. I also wonder how long until his wife of 5 months gets divorce papers because he's gonna be a big star. Could be worse honey, you could've almost married a murderer or died before husband became rich (is it wrong to call out dead Mrs. Gokey?)

Survivor: Lightening can't strike Coach fast enough. He is why I don't watch Survivor regularly anymore. The loser liars always win.

HIMYM: This show is already good, but will be better once the female stars give birth so they don't have to find ridulous ways to hide both pregnancies. And Ted is whiny. More everyone else (excluding Sarah Chalke...go back to Scrubs girlfriend).

Office. More Jim. Glad you made it to 100 eps, at least 50 of them were funny.

Private Practice: Why I keep watching you I'll never know. Good cast, terrible plot and writing. Glad to see Megan (2 Felicity shout-outs in same post, really?) again...but is baby carving necessary? Really? OK, but only white meat for me.

Jon & Kate. Go away. No one (OK, me) likes you anymore.

Oh yea, the View is the new Oprah.

Also like Ugly Betty, Friday Night Lights, Ace of Cakes, Desperate Housewives, Big Bang, and more. And my hubby says I watch too much TV. There is no such thing!

Thank GOSH for the DVR.

Blogger NOT FOUND. System error.

OK, so I've been busy and not posting. Here's what you missed:

post about Las Vegas: the city for drunkards

rant about mother's day

post about flowers and gardening

rant about my husband's truck purchase and our money differences.

OK, are we all caught up now?

I've got way too much to do and feel like I'm living out of my suitcase lately (one more trip at the end of this week) and my children are upstairs having their brains sucked out by the TV, so I'll check you later. Glad we could talk, let's keep in touch, best friends forever!

Pretty people get a pass

If I hear one more person shockingly state about the (ahem...alleged...) craig's list killer that it's a real shame because he 1)is not bad looking or 2)was going to be a doctor, I myself might have to get violent.

People: You can be pretty and still be evil. You can be smart and still not be nice. Jeez, haven't you seen Heathers or really any other teen movie in the last 20 years? Scratch that, were you never IN high school?

Attractive people do horrible things all the time. But I think as a society, pretty people are allowed to get away with more. Just think, if Anna Nicole or Jessica Simpson had kept her roots (both literally and figuratively) she'd just be another idiot buck-toothed brunette. But because she looks like a Barbie doll, we let her stupidity slide.

Maybe it's because I'm not in the privileged group of people that gets the benefit of the doubt, I'm on the outside looking in ALL the time but it happens ALL the time...at the grocery store, at the coffee shop, and of course, at the bar.

I have a bigger rant here (and don't even get me started on his fiance...what is she waiting for...the movie deal?) but my husband is reading this over my shoulder and is making me crazy. If he wasn't so cute, I'd kick his ass. At thusly, I prove my point.

Happy (belated) Earth Day

What did you do for Earth Day? I like Earth Day because by design it will never become a Hallmark holiday. Killing trees for Earth Day defeats the purpose, no? Watching TV shows about Earth Day does too, but for some reason, I'll let that slide.

Every year, Earth Day events seem to get bigger. This year there was even a movie premiering on Earth Day. If you saw the Disney flick, you were supposta have also planted a tree in the rain forest, just by buying a ticket. But I'm highly skeptical of those kinds of Earth Day gimmicks. If I see another commercial telling me if I buy their product, they will in turn save the world, my head will explode. My thought is if you can save the Earth, then do so. My 2 dollars shouldn't prevent you from doing a great justice to Earthkind. It's a tax write-off anyway, so plant the tree anyway, dammit.

How am I Earth friendly?

I have a number of reusable bags. But every other visit to the store I either: 1)Have forgotten my bags at my house (my husband insists on "cleaning" my car and taking out the bags because he sees them as clutter. He is very anti-earth.);or 2)Have forgotten them in my car (going back out with two kids isn't practical and by the time I remember it's check out time). So, chalk one up to trying to be earth friendly but failing miserably. I do take all my plastic bags back in to the store for recycling though, so I'm not a horrible, terrible person (for THAT reason anyway).

As an aside, I stopped capitalizing earth because for some reason when I type it, it never capitalizes and I just have to go back and do it again and it's driving me crazy. Thankyouverymuch.

I have CFLs (which I now hear are dangerous and have to be thrown away somewhere else because they contain mercury...but I'll worry about that in 5 years when they're supposta burn out). LCD bulbs are the next best thing but even though they save $$ in the long run it's difficult to shell out $40 for a bulb.

I have a smart surge protector, that doesn't work...but I tried. And next year, I'd LOVE a vegetable garden, so I'd like to think I'm doing my part. You?

For whatever reason, I've caught the Oprah on earth day 2 years in a row. I usually don't watch her but 2 things struck me yesterday. THIS TURTLE. I am horrified. So is my daughter...ooops, bad mommy moment. (If your wondering, the turtle got a plastic ring stuck on it when it was little, then the shell grew around it through adulthood.) The other thing was Oprah talking about her vegetable garden then admitting she doesn't do anything, but she has her "people" bring her fresh food and it's amazing. Only Oprah. Maybe if she would get her people to plant some trees in the rain forest, we wouldn't need an Earth Day Show. Just saying...Happy (belated) Earth Day.

Dang it.

As I was laying in bed last night, I thought up a really good post. One with lots of good points and broad appeal.

For the life of me I can't think of it now...and I've been trying all day. Sit tight.

I'm broke

Ok, I don't have a ton of time today...I have to find a car.

Why do I need a car... when I love my current car? when I'm broke? when that's the last thing I want to spend my free time doing?

Oh yea...that's right, the camper my husband bought cannot be towed by our current vehicle safely. If your thinking, "hmmm, I would have thought he had checked that out before buying it" then you do not know my husband very well. It's my fault really, because I know my husband well and didn't ask. Oh wait, I did ask and he said it would be fine. My bad (somehow).

As you can tell I'm oh so happy about spending MORE money on this disaster. As it is, he's got camping booked 5 of the first 6 weeks of summer. I had to tell him to cancel a reservation because, oh yea, my brothers getting married and all so we probably should attend that.

Men! And to think we let them rule the world. SCARY.

In this economy, everyone is tightening their belts. I can no longer buy crap willy-nilly. (That makes me sad just writing it.) What can I do? I was frugal enough before this economic crisis, dammit! I can only save so much before my head wants to explode and spree through every store in the strip mall.

Of course, I could just get a job. Yea, right! I've been waiting for summer since signing onto this gig. It's one of the best perks...besides that getting to see your children grow up one (trust me, some days that is NOT a selling point.)

For many Americans, Wal*Mart is the answer. I like Wally's OK, it's cheap and they have great carbonated flavored water. But the parking lot is always atrocious, the other shoppers are everywhere (and usually poorly-hygiened) and there is always a random cart placed exactly where I need to be.

I prefer Target, even though in this day and age I rarely get an opportunity to shop there. It's bright and clean there. It costs more, but most of the time the quality is better. Plus, they always have cute dresses for the girls. And is it me or does it even smell better there?

Am I a snob for liking Target over Wally World? Maybe. But I'm Ok with that. Most of the time anyway.

Here's one last SAT-thingy (analogy?) I will leave you with before my car hunt.

Walmart is to public schools as Target is to private ones. While I'd like to send my daughter to a public school, my wallet says otherwise. Luckily the public schools aren't so bad here. And I hear the yellow smiley face makes an OK principal.

Too beautiful to blog!

Because it's really just about what's on the outside that counts...the weather is too nice to spend the day inside in my basement typing away. Sorry.

What? The Interweb isn't anonymous?

So, this technology thing has my head spinning. I love it and it scares me poopless for my kids. I didn't have to grow up with EVERYTHING out there for EVERYONE like they will, but whatever, if it's the end of civilization as we know it there's nothing I can do (but, ya know, tweet "End of world? Really? Who knew? See you on the other side!")

So, I'm now a stay-at-home mom with no boss. Consequently, my facebook site is open to all. I figure I'd like to find people from the past and I hopefully won't need gainful employment until facebook is RIP. I link to my blog on facebook and on twitter too. (So, yes, now that I don't do anything, I write about it constantly.) I wouldn't write all the time if I didn't want people to read about my pathetic existence.

But now, you can find facebook friends and twitterers from your e-mail contacts (actually, I can't...thanks msn! But MOST people can.) This is creating an avalanche of people who have access to my inner thoughts. I'm not sure I like this.

A friend from my old work found me yesterday and I was OVERJOYED. I heart her, but she is also following my former boss. Hmmm. I like him and all but if he decides to go snooping in my bizzness he'll discover 1) I might have perhaps occasionally blogged during work hours (it was during my lunch breaks I'm sure) ; and 2) It will be v. clear I am definitely not as smart as he always thought I was.

In a completely off-topic side note: do you have words that no matter how many times you write them, you can't spell them? One of mine is definitely definitely. See, I just had to spell check it...twice.

Back to the topic. I find myself filtering some of my thoughts (I know what your thinking..."Really? This is you filtered? Really?!" And yes, parentheticals and ellipses have ALWAYS been my friend.)

But I find myself thinking "hmmm, my mom is reading...should I really include that vagina license plate?" Or the one that scared me the most: my husband. He asked about my blog the other day. Someone told him it was hilarious and my first thought was "which should I choose-- the delete all button or the divorce papers." Luckily, he's not a computer guy and hasn't bothered to check my blog yet...or is preparing those papers as I type. Oh well.

So, although I'm more aware of whose eyes are out there, in the words of that philosopher Madonna, "I'm gonna keep my baby...oooh, oh." and there will be more blogging to come. Maybe even about something interesting, for even a blind squirrel and all....

Gizmo girl

Taking the cue from a Somali pirate, Spring is refusing to be sprung. It teases us with a day or two of sunshine but that's it-- no real warm temps, or warm temps but strong winds, or like yesterday SNOW. It's getting rather annoying. Let go Old Man Winter, can't you see our time is through? We LIKE flirting with Spring, so please lose our number, Winter, at least until next Christmas Eve.

I'm craving spring and summer so bad, I've actually started planting flowers in the house. I have this little greenhouse in the kitchen now. It's kind of cool to see these tiny little seeds develop into these amazing flowering plants. (God, I just heard my mother in that sentence) It's a good project for the 5-year-old too. I'm running out of things we can do inside. She can only color for so long.

One thing I don't mind doing inside is exercising. I'm a gizmo girl so all my exercise "equipment" is electronic. Specifically (try not to laugh) Dance, Dance Revolution and Wii Fit. I love me exercise gizmos because they focus me to actually do the work. Truth be told, I don't usually mind exercising. It's the time commitment that sucks (oh, and that one-handed stand- up strength training exercise on Wii Fit, that REALLY sucks).

For whatever reason I actually do regularly exercise with these games more than I would with anything else. I did Curves before I got married, but generally gyms are for bulky men and judging women. I love to walk outside (with my iPod's long list of podcasts of course) but real cardio like running and biking is too hard...or rather I'm too wimpy. I do love me some rollerblading, but seeing a 33-year-old mother of two out on the street blading must be tough for the neighbors and for some reason they don't let me into the all-night-high-school-lock-in skates anymore.

Don't get me wrong, every time the Wii tells me giddily "You're overweight!" I wanna punch it. And you might catch me cheating while doing my push-up/side plank training. And I'm not sure how throwing a panda head at me is exercise, but whatever, I'll take it. Beats sitting out in the cold. BTW, beat it cold.

Title in progress

I am indecisive. I always have been and always will be.

I am also very forgetful. Like my mother, I have early onset Alzheimer's (undiagnosed since the age of oh, about, 13).

This is a terrible combination if you are trying to sustain a blog.

I think of these really cool things to write about, then they pop out of my brain moments later when something shiny crosses my path. Or I have too many ideas and can't figure out which is the best. Or, I just run out of time.

On a side note, I'm finding time hard to come by these days. Here I thought SAHMs (stay-at-home-moms) were ladies of leisure. I envisioned being able to scrapbook and have hours of playing with the kids. I had ideas that we'd do crafts one day, music another, and at least one field trip a week. Yea, right! I have no idea where the time goes (probably hiding under the bed like the dog right now) but it's not here. Somehow you always manage to fill in all the space with other things and somehow you always think you're just a tiny bit busier than somebody else (I'm pointing at you MIL).

But back to the indecisiveness. Driving around the area, everybody has got vanity plates here; they much be cheaper than in other states. It's amusing to decipher the text and think up what mine would say. But that's where I hit a stumbling block. Either I'm just not creative enough or there isn't anything I'm that passionate about. Nothing I do makes me want to scream it from my bumper. Plus, I'd be too embarrassed that what I put on there would be so not cool. Pop culture doesn't lend itself to being emblazoned in metal for many years. Can you imagine having HOOTIE on your license now (not even Darius Rucker wants that).

Another aside, did you hear about the lady who tried to brag about her love of tofu on a license? Seriously, did she not read LOVETOFU and see other (dirty) things? C'mon! I betcha she's blond...and loves to fu...I mean Tofu.

Anyway, since I can't decide on a license, I'll never get a tattoo. Not because I don't think they're cool just because 1) I can't even decide where to put up pictures on my walls and 2) chances are whatever I would get would be ridiculous and dated the second the ink was dry.

Anyway, what's my point? I have none.

Indecisive+Forgetful-time consuming= 1 horrible blog, sorry! (They promised me there would be no math!)

Ooo, something shiny, gotta go!

The Noliday

Sorry, Easter I'm revoking your holiday privileges. You are no longer a top-tier holiday. Sure, you used to sit up there at the top with Christmas and Thanksgiving, but now you're relegated to the back of the pile with MLK Day and Mother's Day. Don't worry, you've still got a leg up on Arbor Day but I'd keep an eye on that Earth Day, it's been gathering strength thanks to that Gore guy.

Is it my imagination or is Easter not the holiday it once was? I have a theory about its fall from grace.

First, it's always on a Sunday. Duh, most Americans already have that day off, you're not doing us any good shortening the work week, Easter. What about Good Friday you ask? Well, since it has major religious undertones, most work places and some schools don't recognize it anymore. Thanks ACLU.

Next, it's always moving. We called Native Americans crazy for their celestial calender then celebrate based on moon placement? Sometimes it's in early March next it's late April. Either way, it's never warm enough for my girls to wear their cute Easter dresses anyway.

Thirdly, thanks to crazy global technologies like the airplane and the interweb people aren't where they started anymore. At a conference in Spain I met so many people who I had relocated at least once. (In a weird sidenote, the heart of it all- Ohio, seemed to be a stop on everybody's list. I met a girl living in Miami who grew up in Parma and an agent in St. Louis who used to coach at Hiram. Ohioites unite!) Families are all over the place now. I can't come back to the homestead for ham and hard-boiled eggs without the days off work and with only 40 days notice.

Lastly, everything is open on Easter now! Forgot something for the Easter feast? Don't worry the drug store is open. No, wait, the grocery store decided to keep its doors open too. Heck, you can now get a haircut on Easter Sunday. It's not special and it's borderline ridiculous--kinda of like decorating eggs with a 5 year-old.

One last factor: every holiday now involves candy. All Valentines now come with a mandatory sucker or sweet...it's in the rules now. The poor Easter Bunny used to share his stash with only Halloween but times have changed, bucko.

So, Easter, it's time to step up so you can rise again (get it? Rise again? Easter? I'm hilarious with the Christian humor). It's time to get your head in the game Easter. Call me when your ready for sponsorships or maybe a tie-in with March Madness.

Rainbowbetical order

So, I pretend I'm an organized person. I love lists, schedules, and shopping for organizational stuff (I would die happy in The Container Store). But really, I don't know who I'm kidding, all my stuff ends up in piles anyway. Big, giant, I swallowed Toledo piles.

I love the idea of being organized but not the actual follow through. Unfortunately, organization takes work, not cute little labelled multi-colored boxes. Oh well.

Case in point, I am really procrastinating switching the girls' clothes to their spring/summer wardrobe. I hate the change in seasons because I have to dig through all kinds of clothes, sort them, and remember to label all the old stuff (OK, 5 years in and I have NEVER labelled DD1's old clothes. Guess I wasn't counting on DD2 to need it but now the stuff is just a mess.) Plus, I get tons of clothes from the outside world (older cousins for example) and they all come willy-nilly in different sizes and seasons. I'm up to my ears in onesies that are too small and turtlenecks that are too big. I hate switching out my kids clothes...so I go to my happy place. RAINBOWBETICAL ORDER. You heard me (or read me or whatever).

Rainbowbetical: (adj.) Arranging objects in order of the colors of the rainbow. (So what if it's a made up word, it's MY made up word.)

Gays have waved the pride flag of the arc of the spectrum recently, but I've always been a big rainbow fan; Roy G. Biv and I are tight (likethis). All my clothes in my closet are in rainbowbetical order, the girls closets too. In fact, everything in my house that has multiple colors must follow the pattern or else it's no good.

I won't buy something I like if it has the colors in the wrong order; why do manufactures insist on ROYVBG? That's so WRONG!

I have colored Easter eggs out in a pretty decorated basket and every year my husband thinks it's hysterical to rearrange the eggs out of rainbowbetical order because he knows it drives me insane. And it does drive me insane.

Hello, my name is Laura and I have rainbow OCD. I'm off to find a support group, I'm sure there's one on the interweb somewhere.

My husband has a wait problem.

In every relationship there is a give and take, a push and pull, a ying and yang. As much as we would like to have it our way all the time, we can't all be Kate Gossling, right? The key is compromise.

I have just learned the price of our Spain trip (no, it WAS a free trip, but I'll be paying in blood, sweat, and probably tears for many years to come.) You see, my husband didn't really want to go to Spain but he went because I really wanted to go. (Seriously, who turns down a free trip to Spain? Fun-hater.)

The night we got back, however, I learned his brother had found "the perfect camper for us" and I now would be part of a camping family. I had walked into a trap; 3 days in Europe have cost me (at minimum) 3 months of bugs, showering with strangers, and trying to put a 2 year-old to bed in a tiny tinny box.

I understand the whole camping thing. Honestly, I wouldn't be opposed to it if our kids were a tad older...like sleeping in a bed. But it's just too soon to live this nightmare.

Not to get all Dr. Phil but Chad was an ooops baby and is nearly 6 years younger than his closest sibling. He has always been playing catch up through life, and now I too must suffer the consequences. Chad always wants to rush through the present to get to the future; I like hanging out in the here and now. He's already looking forward to retirement while I'm telling our kids they are not allowed to grow up without my permission. It's a very different way of thinking, but we usually can make it work.

His brothers and (older) cousins have been camping for a few years now. I have always been able to hold off on the camper nonsense that Chad has been spouting since we were married. The first year, it only took a look of exasperation (OK, it was the 'Look of Death,' ladies: you know what I mean). Then, a sentence or two denying the practicality of a camper WITH A BABY. By year 3 I was spending the spring talking him down from the ledge. After that, I was drowning in camper talk but had always managed to stay afloat. Until...

Last year, he tricked me at season's end. My guard was down, it was fall. His brother had called and he wasn't using the camper at the site on the Sunday of Labor Day (that's the Sept one, right? I always confuse Labor and Memorial Day...sorry Vets.) We spent the day there. Wait scratch that (memo to self, learn how to strike text like all the cool other bloggers do). I spent the day with the baby while DH drank and watched 4 year-old in pool (yea, that's a GREAT combo, right?) Then baby never went to sleep and we left at the crack of dawn with cranky, hungover husband. I left happy, for I knew all camper talk would be squashed.

But like a villain in bad dinner theatre, this idea just won't die. Husband now has selective memory and 5 year-old is not helping my cause. In fact, let's call her out as the traitor she is. She has gone to the dark side...which is appropriate because the two things she has gotten from my husband are a love of Star Wars and love of camping. If she didn't look like me (and you know wasn't pushed out from my nether regions) I would question my relationship to her.

So, come Memorial Day (or vice-versa) you can be sure to catch me smelling like au de bonfire and bugspray. Yum.

Do campsites have wireless Internet?

So what...I'm still a rock star.

Yes, I used to be an editor. (But I edited legislation, so it wasn't really important. And I never EVER claimed to be good at my job.)

Yes, my blog is full of grammatical (and various other) errors.

Yes, it would bother me if someone else wrote without bothering to proofread.

Suck it.

Some things I learned in Spain

I don't know how I'll ever find the time to describe my trip in detail, but here are some things I learned in Spain.

1. My husband is one of those people who believes louder volume is the key to having people understand your language. He actually said "SPEEEEAK ENGLISH!" to the hotel maids. Duh dude, you usually can't find a hotel maid that speaks English in the states, so good luck. On a related note, when there is a light switch panel controlling the whole room's lights and one of the buttons says "make-up room" and you keep hitting it thinking they are talking about the exterior bathroom light -you are wrong. It will keep telling the maids you want you room cleaned so be nice to them when they show up.

2. Americans are dumb. I met a 50 year-old woman who stated "I just LOVE that word hola. I'm going to keep using it even at home. I don't know how to spell it, but I love it." The kicker: she was from Texas. She also leaned over and asked me what "majestic" meant...and she was dead serious.

3. (Related to #2) Brussels is in Belgium. My bad, I thought we were going to connect in Germany. My geography is so bad that sitting in the Brussels airport we played "what country are they going to" while reading the destinations cities. I think I got 2 right...including Barcelona.

4. You think contractors in the states are bad? There is a church in Barcelona that is still being built, 126 years later...with AT LEAST 20 years to go. BTW even though you would think the artist Gaudi and the english word gawdy are related after looking at his work, they are not. He was however a big fan of the shrooms.

5. If there is an annoying couple on the airplane (we called them Drunk Guy and Drunk Girl because we're creative like that) they will be following you to your destination city, and if you're lucky they will be at the same conference so you will have to endure them for many more hours to come, enjoy.

Cheaters never win

In February I applied for a passport. They told me I'd get it in plenty of time. They told me, if I did need to speed things up, I could just call to expedite. Easy, peasy, I'm home free.

Now--the reality:

I'm leaving on Saturday...no passport yet. I am having passport nightmares and stressing out all day about missing the opportunity of a lifetime.

If you have read this blog before, you know I love time management. Just in case you were wondering, the passport information line is the antithesis of spending time wisely.

My online passport status was "being updated" for 3 weeks. I never got my status online until last week. It never gave me a guestimated date of completion. So I crossed my fingers and waited.

But waiting isn't comforting, so two weeks ago, after being on hold for close to 2 hours, they tell me to call back next week (closer to my trip). I tried calling all last week. Here is the rundown:

Monday, Tuesday-- never get though due to "unusual high volume" at passport place. It should be noted, every time I call, there is "unusually high volume," might have to change that to "usual high volume, get comfy, you'll be on hold at least an hour." My favorite part is they tell you to call after 7pm for better service, when in my reality, I have always waited longer at night.

Wednesday--get through after an hour, but are told since my husband is not present, they cannot expedite both our passports.

Thursday-- never get through. I actually hear the recorded voice say "your call is important to us but due to unusually high volume we cannot service your call at this time...goodbye." That's right, there are too many calls to even be put on a 2-hour-hold.

Friday--this is the best one. My husband and I take turns holding the phone. After 2 hours, they pick up (2 minutes AFTER closing time) and my husband starts to use his credit card when..."EHEHEHEH (recording) we're sorry, your call cannot be completed." We get cut off and can't call back because they are already closed. My husband freaks. Oh yea, before we are cut off, the lady says even by expediting they cannot guarantee a passport. Of course they can't! She even chastisizes us for not calling sooner...but doesn't call back when we're cut off because that would be caring and considerate and govenment employees cannot be accused of THAT. (As a former state employee I can say that).

So, I call first thing today (Monday) morning. Only wait on hold for a half an hour! Yippee! Passport lady is sympathetic even apologetic about our deal. I get my passport expedited...well, she says, they could reject the expediting. Huh?!? But whatever, there is HOPE. Then, they need to speak to my husband.

I'd rather not incriminate myself so please follow along and fill in the blanks...

My "husband" gets on the phone and the lady tells him "No, ma'am I really need to speak with your HUSBAND." When he confirms "he" IS "husband" she keeps calling him "ma'am" throughout the inquiry. She doesn't believe she is really talking to my husband (who coincidentally enough must sound like me talking in a lower register. Who knew?) So, "he" gets his passport expedited and then she tells "him" to hold...and then puts him on hold 3 additional times. She definitely thinks my "hubby" is not really my hubby. She is typing away on the file. Uh-oh. No good could come of this. I and "my husband" really don't get a good feeling about this. She is writing bad stuff on the file and if we weren't getting our passport before, we're REALLY not getting it now.

Sure enough, I just checked the online status of my passport. Finally, it has a date of completion! Passport should be here on or about Sunday March 29. One day AFTER we need it. Fantastic. I'm crossing my fingers anyway. Wish me luck.

Signs of spring

1. Robins have returned. Yea.

2. Tulips and daffodils are on the way. I can't wait to garden.

3. The kids waiting for the bus in tank tops and shorts...with today's high of 50. If it was September and the exact same temp, these kids would be wearing sweatshirts and their new winter coat.

4. Stinky pee...asparagus is back baby.

5. DD1 wanting to play EVERY single outside play toy she hasn't seen in 6 months. Yesterday we skated, flew a kite, scootered, biked, sidewalk chalked (a verb, I'm sure) and played basketball, bubbles, and baseball.

Bonus post

I had other posts about my trivial life, but with all this AIG bonus uproar, I had to throw my 2 cents in.

First off, who signed off on all these mandatory bonuses in these peoples' contracts? Isn't the point of a BONUS to award superlative performance? What part of 'biggest losses in AIG history' do you not get? When did bonuses become mandatory, and why did I not get the memo?

I place blame squarely where it deserves...I blame the game shows. They started this whole mandatory extra credit. When you win against your fellow contestants in Wheel of Fortune what happens next? Yes, that's right...the bonus round. But you've already won cash and prizes! Who is there left to battle against? Pat? Vanna? Yourself? The clock? Maybe if you win a certain amount of cash at the start of the show, you should be deserving of the bonus round...but everybody indiscriminately? I say vile, my dear Wheel watchers...you are being deceived.

And what is a signing bonus? Generally athletes aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but they get more money FOR SIGNING THEIR NAME? I can do that...where's my millions? I know, I know, as soon as I can throw a 100-mile-an-hour fastball I can cash in too...but a signing bonus does not sit right with me. You haven't done anything with the new team to merit extra money. You should be low man on the totem pole and the object of random pranks from the veterans, right? (Hey, I've watched baseball movies and that's how it works.)

Do you know how the AIG bonus checks story leaked? These managers probably put up a stink because with their company in the crapper and Madoff in jail, they had nowhere to invest this extra money. Next time guys, put it in your matress, shut your pie hole, and get back to your golf cart. Us working stiffs have to go work a double.

Regional differences

For whatever reason, the poll to the right doesn't want to format right, but inquiring minds want to know...is it ITSY-BITSY or EENSEY-WEENSEY spider?

Other differences between where I grew up and where and I am now:

I love Wisconsin, but people, it is NOT a bubbler; it's a water fountain.

Lunch is dinner and dinner is supper. I still can't keep this one straight. Just tell me when to come and eat.

There is NO such word as ACROST. This one is like nails on a chalk board to me. You're not going acrost the street!

I know there are a bunch more, but I am brain dead today.

Something we can agree on (that most of the country doesn't get) it's POP, not soda.

Sorry folks, the interweb is closed on the weekends.

facebook friends

OK, I'm probably showing my age here, but since facebook is the cool social networking site now, I need to know what is the status quo?

First off, I love catching up and keeping up with friends I normally wouldn't. Being geographically separated from a ton of family and friends, I find the site amazing.

But how do YOU think everyone should use it?

Do you friend EVERYONE you've ever met? Personally, I'm kinda picky with friending. Sorry, but if I didn't ever talk to you in the 4 years of high school we shared, I'm probably not interested in catching up with you now. But if we chatted and had fun at the reunion, we're cool.

If we share a few friends, but I don't know you and the chance we'll ever hang out in real life is minimal, sorry but you're going to sit in my friends purgatory box forever. I am too chicken to DENY your friendship (that's so cold!) but I'm not accepting you either. Better luck next time.

To me, I don't care if I'm not winning any popularity contests (yea...like that was even an option, huh?) I'll just have as many friends as I do, thankyouverymuch.

One of my favorite things is going through my friends' friends. I like to try to figure out their relationships (and I'm secretly judging them. Cruel, huh?) Plus, I usually find a few people I know and it gives me ideas on who I'm missing from my list.

And although I've been known to google old boyfriends (see post from a while back) I wouldn't seek them out on facebook, that shows weakness, right?

BTW, don't send me anything. I don't have time to return your peeps, green beer, movie compatibly requests, and I have no idea what a 'lil green patch even is. Sorry, but I'm just not into that, please don't make me feel guilty about it.

As for the "what are you doing right now" window...I'm torn. I don't take myself too seriously in real life, so why do so in cyber-space? I try to be witty and succinct while not writing too often. I don't want to clutter up everyone's inbox with "Laura is tired;" "Laura is bored while waiting to pick up DD from preschool;" or "Laura thinks eating less and exercising more sucks."

Moving on to pictures. How do you handle them? I just replaced my outdated profile pic because the baby I had on my lap is now ready for kindergarten! Most women have pics of their kids, does it make me vain if I just have me on there? Honestly, I just didn't feel like spending time digging through digital pics to find the perfect one so I snapped a quick webcam photo. I don't want to look like a slob but I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to hard either. UGH.

Speaking of photos, how do you manage kids pics? I don't like to even use my kids names online much less their photos. Am I doing the right thing? Too much responsibility!

And to think our kids will never know what it was like before social networking.

Got to go and see if anyone else wants to be my friend! Please leave your input below...I'd like to know what you think (or else just facebook me!) Thanx.

Idol chit

Ok, a few things about Idol this week:

1. Apparently, I can tolerate Michael Jackson songs as long as they are not sung by Michael Jackson. That wacko-jacko better not show his silly putty face tonight.

2. I can't stand the broadway kid so much I can't even bother to learn his name...ehem, Adam, I'm talking to you. Stop screaming at me and go back to being the missing Goo Goo Doll.

3. Why can't they either run the show on time or get my DVR to record it all?

4. What was up with the poor last girl's phone number --IDOLS36? Yea, that almost makes chronological sense. Dumb Americans can't figure that out...she went 13th...36 isn't even divisible by 13! Luckily she wore no clothes so she'll go through to the next round.

5. Danny Gokey rocks AND he's from Wisconsin. I just wrote something mean about how he won't have to divorce his wife when he becomes a big star, but I thought better of it and deleted it. Just wanted you to know.

6. What is the point of Paula? Breathing distracts her. And did she actually say something semi-mean last night? Get the girl her morphine-drip before she strikes again.

Who will go who will stay and who will remember a year from now?

Waiting...my American pastime.

As others close to me can attest, I am not the most patient person in the world. I have a thing with time management--I want things done efficiently and correctly the first time. I always have a plan, a schedule, and make the most out of my day by multitasking. It's annoying, I understand, but it's just the way I work. BTW, I want others to value my time as much as I do.

Yesterday, that just wasn't happening.

I had a doctor's appt at 3:45, plus, they asked me to come in early to fill out some paperwork. So, in I walk at 3:30. By 4 I was put into a room where they explained how much everything would cost and made me sign papers detailing how I conceded to their money policies. Great first impression, huh? A few minutes later, they moved me to a random office room (not MY doctor's but some other room that hadn't been used since 1972) to wait for the next available doctor's room. I thought that was weird, but whatever. It was my first time there, so I dealt (and sat and stewed). Sure, they had given me a packet to look over (which ate up ten minutes or so), but in the packet was some OTHER patient's personal information. Not a good sign, right? But I sat and sat until 45 minutes later when I peaked my head out. Two seconds after that, the nurse who had put me there realized she had forgotten about me, curtly apologized, and moved me into the right room.

OK, I thought, now I'll be seen right away. Yea, not so much.

I heard the doctor visit the 3 rooms around me then say outside of MY door "Woah, where did this one come from?" She complained that it was after 5 (yea, tell me about it...my appt was an hour and a half ago!) and rushed in without even bothering to read the name on my file. Of course, when she walked in and asked how I was doing, I gathered my courage and anger, furrowed my brow, opened my mouth to voice my displeasure and answered "umm, good." I had planned a different speech in my head about my time being important too and even though this probably wasn't her fault, I wasn't getting the best impression of this practice. So how did "Good, and how are you?" slip out instead? I'm such a chicken!

She jotted random notes (underlining everything) on a quarter-sheet of paper while I talked and she checked her watch (three times). Nice, huh? So, after 2 hours, I got about 2 minutes and a $200 bill. Some health CARE. But the aggravation couldn't end there!

Later that night, I was lucky enough to spend 1.5 hours on hold with the passport application people. While eating away at my cell phone minutes, I filled out their e-mail form, exercised some more, and starting watching Idol. 58 minutes later, I got an actually human who asked for all my info, told me it was being processed but couldn't give me an ETA, told me the website they encourage you to use doesn't work, and told me to call again next week. That's an hour and a half I'll never get back. He was so vague and needed so many details about my info I'm convinced it wasn't a real government employee and instead I just volunteered myself for identity theft. Oh well.

So, this kind of stuff happens to me ALL the time. Something goes cosmically wrong when my name gets attached to something important. I'm the black hole of forms, applications, and doctor's offices around the country. But I can't be the only one, right? Please?

Today, I'm taking a deep breath and starting over. No time like the present...right?

I can stop whenever I want, I swear!

Hi, my name is Laura, and I'm addicted...to Webkinz.

If you don't know what Webkinz are, you probably don't have kids. Webkinz are (more-expensive-than-they-should-be) stuffed animals attached to "secret passwords" that let you play online. Webkinz World is this all-kids website that lets you play games, feed your pet, and earn Kinzcash. It's cheesy...but then, I'm not exactly in their target demographic. You see, normally, 10 year-olds come home from school, have a snack, do homework, and then jump online to feed their little electronic furball. But somewhere along the way, I got hooked.


DD1 got a Webkinz pet as a gift, then two, then a whole bunch. I finally signed her up in Webkinz World to see what all the fuss was about. She can't read yet, but boy can she whiz around Webkinz like she owns the place. Apparently, she had been on the site already with cousins and the daycare provider. So, she (at age 4) got to work setting up house for her virtual pets. Then, as she explained to me, you should set up a garden (which has to be maintained daily) and earn money to keep the pets well fed and clothed. This was my undoing.

Webkinz has this tetris-like game that I was good at. It's called Goober's Lab and I was just playing to earn her Kinzcash...or so I said. Secretly, I would go on her site while she was at school and retool the garden or check for gems (another way to get you to the site daily). My husband would go to bed while I playing countless games...I said it was a stress-reliever. And, after all, I was just helping her, right? Then, I took over. "No dear child you don't want to do that...spend some money here instead." It got so bad, she got me a Webkinz for Christmas so I'd stop playing with hers.

Seriously, could you say no to this face?

It's sad when a grown woman sets up a Webkinz account on Christmas day FOR HERSELF. But it didn't stop me. I found other games, like Get Eleven Solitaire (so designed for parents I'm sure!) and set up my own garden and went in search of my own crown of wonder. I have a problem, and I'm trying to get help. OK, that's a total lie...the website has been undergoing maintenance for like a week and like a junky, I'm having withdrawl symptoms. The first day, I checked the site every 15 minutes, then googled about any problems, then found a youtube video explaining how to sneak onto the site...and tried it. I'm a 33 year-old woman and I'm hacking onto a kids site, what's wrong with me?

So, if you see me shaking or mumbling to myself that I'm worried about "Mooey," just keep walking. And whatever you do, stay away from Webkinz...no good can come from it.

Mom & Pop Musik

Ok, I've never been a music snob. In fact, I kind of go with the flow and will tolerate whatever plays on my favorite pop radio station.

Case in point- I hated that new Fray song until I heard it 20 times, now suddenly it's great. (Plus my 19 mo. old sing "wherR you?" from the backseat which I think is adorable.)

I've been a top 40 DJ and used to hate those women who called up saying we were corrupting the soft brain tissue of their offspring. I even told a program director it was ridiculous to daypart Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." Fun music is fun music and you can turn it off if you don't like it, right?

But now, I'm seeing things from the opposite end of the spectrum. My 5-year-old wants to know what a 'Womanizer' is. I won't let them sing along to"Gives you Hell" and when we car-eoke to Kelly Clarkson's new tune it's "My life would STINK Without You." Am I turning OLD? Nah, couldn't be...music is just getting worse, right?

For now, I'll dodge the question and pop in my iPod when things get too unbearable. But somebody stop me when I finally break down and buy one of those Kidzbop albums...those things are made by the devil himself.

Oh poop.

There are many things I'm quite proud of being able to tolerate now that I'm a mom. For example, I have always had a very weak stomach when it came to blood and other bodily fluids, but somehow, if the yuck comes from something I am responsible for, I usually can handle it. That is, except for a child of mine pooping in the tub.

I'd like to go on record saying cleaning up poop in the tub is the worst task EVER.

It was never a huge deal with my oldest, she did it maybe 3 times total. I would take her to another bath in the house while my husband had the job of cleaning it all up.

But DD2 has a real passion for pooping in the tub. If it was an Olympic sport, she'd medal for sure. I don't know whether a bath just relaxes her, I give them too long to play in the tub, or she just enjoys watching her sister flee in panic...but the girl has got skills.

The first time poop hit the water, DD1 froze in horror. The poor girl handles crisis like her mom...lets just say she better not be an airline pilot. While I scooped out the victim, the perpetrator saw the fruits of her labor and decided she'd like to hold and squish some in her hands. I'm screaming for my husband (whose in the garage getting ready to snow blow the driveway). My naked oldest goes to find her father...outside...in freezing temps. I'm trying to wrestle with the pooper while trying not to get sh%# on, literally. Let's just say it wasn't a pretty picture. Unless you were just observing from the outside, then it was probably hilarious.

Fast forward to last night, I'm just getting towels for the girls when I hear that all too familiar scream of "MOM!" and know what I'm going to find. Double digits of number 2. Even worse, my husband isn't home so I'm gonna have to get the girls washed again somewhere else, put them to bed, then clean up poo. Talk about an exciting Saturday night. It's like my very own episode of Dirty Jobs that gets repeated twice a week at my house. Yuck.

So what do you think is the worst job ever?

What the?

Ok, so where have I been? Well, just moving and adjusting to my new life sans interweb.

Perhaps, I grossly underestimated the extra time I had at work to be online. It didn't seem like that much time was spent goofing off. However, now that's it's gone I miss it....dearly. Especially now that facebook is life's little friend finder/doodle notebook. Oh well.

I definitely overestimated the time I'd be able to be online at my new gig (stay-at-home mom). Don't get me wrong, I love my little monsters and this is a gig of a lifetime...but my bosses are a little more demanding in this career path. There is no longer opportunity for a long lunch, ducking out for a haircut or doctor's appointment, 401K plan, and certainly no such thing as a 3-day weekend in my world now. However, I don't have to run all my errands on the weekends or after the kids go to bed, (but I do have to take them with me everywhere we go now). Hey, I get paid in smiles (and oh yea, tantrums) so it all evens out.

So, I'm living in this small town town now. There are positives and negatives to small time life...rush hour is from 5:02-5:12, it doesn't take more than 20 minutes to get anywhere, and the schools are good. But this town isn't exactly techno-savvy yet. I have friends w/o e-mail addresses...it's like living with the amish! At least I have finally talked the cable company into sending me a DVR. A girl has to have SOMETHING, right? And culture? Well, sure, if you count high school performances of all your favorite musical theatre...we've got it.

Hey, in this economy I shouldn't knock it. We have a roof over our head, job security, and lots of laughter. Now, excuse me while I neglect DD1 some more for the sake of showering. See you all again in 6 months.