selling out

OK, I put an ad window on my blog page. I know no one clicks on them, but if I can earn a dollar, why not? It was supposta find relavant ads and put them up there. Well, I happened to look at it today and the first ad is : Bang married white women!! I'm appalled.

Jeez, how did they know yesterday was my anniversary?

Just because I wrote out the title of the ad (see above, I don't dare write it again) it's probably going to stay the #1 ad on my site forever more. I'm horrified.

Back in the dark ages

I upgraded my satellite service a few nights ago and in doing so blew up my DVR. Things I have learned about my favorite invention:

1. My 4-year-old does NOT understand why we can no longer pause TV, or watch Curious George whenever she darn well pleases. Kids today will never no the hardship of live TV just like we barely remember life before the remote.

2. It's a good thing it's summer, otherwise I'd be going ballistic. I'm already upset I have to remember all those shows I had it set to record automatically. That night, I kept resetting the recorder hoping that time it would work again...I wasn't ready to say goodbye. And I keep pressing the DVR button on my remote like a morphine patient getting his fix.

3. Purging the DVR is not always a bad thing. Goodbye season of Oprah, I only watched you as a last resort anyway. Best Week Ever and Talk Soup, sorry, you're not making it onto my new list (by the time I get around to you, you're old news).

4. I'm still deciding whether or not to bite the bullet and get DVRs for all the TVs--I think this could be dangerous but when the 4-year-old is watching the same episode of Curious George for the 9000 time- I might appreciate it.

5. When your satellite provider ruins your DVR, they will still try to make you pay for shipping. Nice try, guys but I don't think so. I still love you more than cable though. XXOO.

Just a quick question

Why am I supposta feel sorry for Ed McMahon?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25237681/

He has a million dollar mansion that is being foreclosed upon. Poor Ed...he was only able to earn millions by sitting next to someone and laughing for his JOB and didn't save enough. Oh, and he got divorced a lot. Good luck trying to cash one of those giant checks from Publisher's Clearinghouse, Ed. Hehehehe, yesssir!

Yes, I'm 12!

I was always a Joey girl...but damn, is ugly Danny good-looking now?...must be the missing rat tail that glams him up! One of my friends and I were talking about going to the New Kids concert in the fall...can you imagine? 30 to 40 year-old women screaming like little girls--I'm so there.

New video where they act like teenagers still.

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?artist=1254&vid=238677

All those acting lessons have definitely paid off for Donnie-- rubbing up against a 20-something hot-bodied-woman is hard work--insert hanging tough joke here-woah, oh, oh oh, ooooh.

Going home

I have a theory about work: the more you are physically at work, the easier it is to work; the more time you take off, the easier it is to take time off work. When you have a vacation coming up, work gets harder and tougher...doesn't it? When you leave early for some reason during the week, it's easier in that same week to do it again, isn't it?

I am back at work full time and boy do I miss my Thursdays off. It doesn't make it any easier that summer is our slow period and the weather is gorgeous and I miss my kids and doing all the little things in that bonus day.

Now, I'm a worn out mom. My house is a wreck, my laundry pile is about to take over the world, and groceries are a dim memory of what it was like before we had cheerios for dinner...EVERY night. And we haven't even started swimming and dance lessons for the summer yet.

Yikes! Somethings gotta give. So I'm outta here. Actually, the whole fam is travelling 9 hours by car to my hometown. There, my 4 brothers and sister are converging at the homeplace to see how much damage we can do to my mom's house over a long weekend. Wish us luck...we're already bickering via e-mail.

And if you hear of a wash pile overtaking the world while I'm gone...it's not mine, because I'm on vacation!

SATC

So I bought into the hype and went to the movie theatre ON OPENING NIGHT to see Sex and the City. It was kind of a last minute thing, so we had to sit in the 3rd row. We had fun, but geez, I've never felt under dressed at a movie before! Walking in, I saw more heels and ballgowns than at my prom. Because I'm 32, I was also felt OLD. All these young girls dolled up like an escort ad in the yellow pages (too harsh?) and me in my ten-ees. I actually wondered out loud if these girls got dressed up to avoid being carded at the R-rated movie. When did I become the cranky old lady at the movies? If that's the case, I at least want a cool walker with pink tennis balls at the bottom and a nifty handicapped parking placard.

It was nice to see all kinds of women all together for one cause...it kinda sucked that TV and Hollywood was that cause, but hey, it's a start, right? It was SOOOO nice to get out of the house with someone else, pal around like men, and not have to be an on-duty mom. We were watching previews and when another good-looking movie with lots of stars ended with a Fall 2008 date, my girlfriend said "ugh, that's too far away" to which I responded "Hey, I'll see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 if it means I get to do this again soon."

My husband's first reaction was "Huh...why?...well if you go, then I get to see Indy tomorrow night." When I reminded him he gets a guys night EVERY FREAKIN WEEK (aka softball) he eased up.

It seems the rub with being a mom and putting yourself first once and while is this...usually, you are on your own to recharge your batteries. Guys do things in packs (poker night, softball, bars) but getting a group of girls together is like planning for a nuclear launch. Like our life, it's complicated. Does the husband's schedule conflict? When does everyone have 4 hours in a row? Plus, kids always throw up at the least opportune times. I have a group of friends whose husband's meet monthly for poker-they've never missed a month. In that time (2 years) the women have managed to get together once. Sometimes, we should work hard to play hard...we deserve it.

Huh, I might have just talked myself into the Manic Mommies cruise. No excuses?

My many boyfriends

Let me preface this whole post by saying I'M HAPPILY MARRIED. That said, let's just get on with it.

Yes, I have a fair amount of FAKE boyfriends:


*Ed Robertson from Barenaked Ladies. I'm been crushing on him for over 10 years. Witty, cute, great songwriter...yum.

*Jim from the Office...not the actor (John Krasinski) but the fictional character who shares his adorable face and wears his heart on his sleeve. Of course, I have been (on multiple occasions--insult or compliment?) told I am Pam-like so maybe that has something to do with it as well.

*I had a strange dream about IA winner David Cook last night, but that doesn't count, right?

OK, let me come clean, I occasionally think about my REAL past boyfriends and crushes, usually when a certain song comes on the radio or when I see someone who looks like them. I'm assuming this is normal. But my spirits were raised this morning because I realized the street runs both ways.

You see, it all started innocently enough. I got an e-mail from reunion.com saying someone searched me. They send these ridiculous blips out every once in a while just so you'll pony up and buy their service to find out who was searching you. Well, after I clicked on the free link (curiosity killed the cat and all) they narrowed down the person to a 30something who went to thiscertain high school. At first, I was racking my brain trying to figure out this damn puzzle--then all the pieces clicked into place. Yep, my serious college boyfriend searched for me. I'm embarrassed to report this info leaves me all smug yet with a spring in my step. Someone (OK, not just someone) wanted to see what I was up to. Sure, I've been curious about his life in the past (last I heard he was married with a few boys) but here was actual evidence I had mattered enough to be curious about. Point for me!

Then I panicked, had I ever used reunion.com to look someone up? Crap. Suddenly, I feel like my privacy has been invaded...how dare they! Is this legal? Is there a way to turn it off? Oh well, if I can make one person feel like they mattered on my road to becoming who I am now, I'm OK with it (mostly). So, Mark, Ed, Josh, even (yick, what was I thinking?) Brad and the many crushes (Ben and Chris come to mind), thanks. And thanks Chad--if you ever read this don't get mad because without them, I wouldn't have made it to you. I love you (mostly)!

So remember folks, when curious, remember to google ONLY.

TV mom

OK, I heart TV. I love putting the kids to bed and vegging for a while (sometimes a LOOONG while) in front of the tube. My husband says I watch too much TV, but I really can't figure out what else I should be doing...plus, I just need some mindless entertainment to wind down. TV is easy when cleaning, shopping, and reading are too much. You can read this and judge me, but you know I'm also kinda right.

I especially love my DVR. I mean the dishwasher and toilet paper are necessities, but the DVR is up there as one of the best inventions EVER! I know I don't NEED a DVR, but in a fire I'm pulling wires from the back of my TV before I'm looking for my wedding photos...I'm just saying.

I also like talking about TV, the Internet is my watercooler. RIP TV Guide podcast. Long live Internet TV gossip. Here's my new contribution: The TV MOM

Yesterday I caught American Idol...of course. Seriously, is Paula that much of a whack job? How do you NOT know you only listened to one song? Is planet Earth just too much for Mrs. Scat Cat? Personally, I don't care who's feeding her 'her own opinions'...her credibility has never been her strength. It's probably better someone has been telling her what to say all these years otherwise we'd just get "it was like...yea...wonderful...you look amazing" ad nauseum. Wait a minute...on second thought, that preopinion/scripter must have been a new hire. Do you think she took out an ad for a personal judge-r or do you think she makes her already obviously overworked hair and makeup people just jot stuff down for her to make her look crazy?

I also watched the Jon & Kate plus 8 Oprah ep. Kate needs lessons on how to speak kindly to her husband. Of course, if someone taped me I'd probably be worse (not even including the 8 kids!) I just worry the kids will pick up her tone when talking to their dad. He doesn't seem bothered by the constant ordering around so alls well that ends well, right?

So, is Brooke or Jason gone this week? These are the weeks I get bored with...just give me my David vs. David finale already!

Never too much

OK, I'm frazzled. It happens so often that I can't possibly do everything that needs to be done and that only stresses me out more.

I can't believe how much I took for granted the expansive TIME I had before I had kids. How did I squander all those evenings and weekends? Seriously, what did I do back then with all that time and why couldn't I have saved some for a rainy day or ANY day with kids?

I'd just like to wave to my former friend SLEEP from across the room...hey buddy...remember when we used to hang out all morning Saturday? It's been so long since I spent quality time with you, sleep, are we just acquaintances now? Send me a Christmas card, won't ya?

This morning while I was getting ready for work, I was having an internal fight with my husband (who, lucky for him, wasn't home). I was yelling at him for all the things he hasn't been doing. The toilet still leaks, the taxes still aren't done, the house is a mess and we have a showing tomorrow. I got the kids up and dressed and ready for daycare while he spent 45 minutes in the bathroom! And the list of rants kept growing...for the last few nights I've been fixing the computer after the kids go to bed to make things easier for him to work from home and he's been going to bed early. I get done at 10PM only to come upstairs and start putting the dinner dishes away. Plus, his back hurts so he is unbearable to be around. I'm grumpy and overworked and I need help, not more man-whining! Men + sick = my nightmare...but that's another post entirely!

My husband (in the fight in my head) is saying he does more than his father did so I should just deal. In fact, when my FIL visits he's horrified for my DH because he is 'forced' to do any number of fatherly duties, like for example, change a diaper! I tell my husband (in the fight in my head, of course) he does not have a valid excuse, for his mother never worked full-time and times have changed, buddy! Suck it up and move on.

Yet, I can't move on. I have this huge desire to talk to those women back them (and perhaps shake some sense into them!) How women didn't voice their displeasure earlier is beyond me! How did they do it ALL and not be miserable ALL the time? I have all the modern conveniences and still only get a hot meal on the table half the time. Why did they let men slack off for so long? I both admire and blame them.

So, some advice, men...you can NEVER do too much. There is no such thing as you doing too much housework, being too romantic, or playing with your children for too long. Time has a way of getting away from us, no matter how idle or busy we are. The trick is squeezing time like it's a orange...'til there's not one drop of OJ left. Then, maybe we'll have time for a little more squeezing as man and wife...but that's another post entirely!

Thursdays

So I've been taking Thursdays off to spend more time with the kids, only to find myself cleaning all morning and ignoring my daughter who was begging me to read her a story. When I finally bothered to listen to her, I almost cried. What kind of mom am I? I sat down and immediately read a dozen books with both girls and had a great time doing so. So often, I feel like I'm spending so much time spreading my time around and multi-tasking (cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, kids) that nothing gets my full attention. It was nice to just take time out and veg with them. I think my husband is better at this. I mostly fault him for it ("exactly why can't you run the dishwasher while playing cash register?") but I secretly wish I could turn a blind eye (nose, ear, whatever) to everything that SHOULD get done and just bask in kid-dom with the girls. Yea, I think that would happen for about 15 minutes before I went crazy.

Switching subjects...OK...I need your help. Can anyone calm my irrational fear? My daughter goes to preschool 2 days for a TOTAL of 5 hours a week. But I'm paranoid I'm going to forget to pick her up one day. Every time the phone rings on Thursday afternoon I panic and think it's gotten late and her teacher has been waiting there with my girl who is all alone and frightened and I've just been enjoying the peace and distraction-free afternoon (in my mind I'm eating bon-bons even though I don't think I've ever ate a bon-bon in my life). I must reiterate that I've never forgotten to pick her up (yet), but it is my nightmare. Maybe it's because I don't wear a watch, or maybe because I have forgotten what silence sounds like at home but I can't seem to be able to keep track of time while she's gone, I'm constantly checking the clock...it's becoming compulsive, and annoying! Anyone with me on this one? HELP?!

Coming up next...what happened during my 'free' time yesterday that had me singing.

Randomness

OK, what makes a good blogger? Probably consistent blogs. The Internet is our reminder that humans have incredibly short attention spans and trouble sustaining 'new projects'. Oh well.

Here are some of the things I was going to go in depth about this week but ran out of time/interest:

1. Why is there always at least one kid in every Barney episode (or other kid program that uses real kids) that I'm utterly repulsed by? Yet, because I am so horrified by their fake perma-smile (not unlike the joker) and jazz hands, I'm mesmerized until my retinas burn...like a terrible car crash. These kids are so bad I can almost see the shadow of their overbearing show-biz mom doing the same routine with the same frozen grin behind the camera. I then envision these children NOW...young men and women using residual dough to score their next fix and wonder if they ever claim to see Barney again while high. Me? I like the kid who has to look at all the other kids to verify the dance moves. It's those kids that are ill-prepared and unsure of themselves that make me smile. Sad that I've sat through enough entire episodes of Barney to think that through, huh?

2. How are women supposta have this voice in the world when we just don't have time? I'm too busy multi-tasking to even get my point across!

3. Babies generally rock...until they poop in the bath. That's all I dare say about that, for now, (it's too fresh). And that is the last time "fresh" and "poop in the bath" appear in the same thought.

OK, I can't remember any other of the "good ideas for my blog" I had going this week. Damn! Welcome to my world, where early onset Alzheimers is the norm!

I want quality time, damn it!

OK, so anymore the weekends are made up of me getting things done while my children make do. How wrong is that? Why is it every Sunday night I feel like I haven't spent any real time with my kids? Let me count the ways:

If they want food and diapers someone needs to shop for them.
If they want to wear clothes, I have to wash and put away laundry.
If they want time with friends, someone needs to cart them around, or plan and provide for get togethers. We haven't even gotten to sports-age yet!
If I want our house to look nice (or even presentable), I have to clean.
If they want to know their extended family, we need to be away from home.
If they want to be well behaved, they need to nap.
If I want sanity, I need some time alone.

Where do all the hours go? I'm worried that someday my kids will look back to weekends at our house and not remember anything. Or worse, just remember the answer to "do you want to play with me?" was always, "not right now, mommy has things to do." I am the devil who no longer has time to brush a pony's hair or finger paint. In the next year, I have to make sure that quality time with my kids is a priority. It just makes me sad that I had to write that.

Do they grow up so fast or do we just lose track of time?

Family killed by iPod

I don't know why, but I was really excited for my husband to get an iPod. That excitement lasted all of 20 minutes after he opened the box.

You see, I've had my iPod for a couple of years now and love it. I am former radio DJ so I really dig music and any contraption that will stick it to my former employers/industry (anotha blog, I'm sure). But now I have come to hate my husband's iPod...with a passion.

The many reasons why I don't like my husband's iPod:

1. I now have to listen to HIS music when we're in the car. Blech.

2. When I complain, he wears his headphones in the car; not safe and not good company.

3. He now spends ALL his time transferring his CDs into our computer.

4. Said computer has all of 4% free space now. Of course, sweetie, I have no problem with you deleting all of the photos of our children so you can fit the Best of the Bee Gees on there!

5. He is anal enough to transfer all his CDs alphabetically by artist. This bugs me.

6. He loads entire albums into iTunes then rushes to listen to all the songs, rate them, and erase the tunes he doesn't care for.

7. To weed through ALL his tunes quickly, he gives each song approximately 5 seconds, right when you "get" into the song he moves on the the next one...over and over and OVER again. It's like travelling with an cocophonious ADHD train wreck.

8. He rates every song no matter what is going on. Oh, did you know the perfect time to search through the genre list and look for that exact song you can't remember the title to is while merging onto rush hour traffic with your two daughters asleep in the backseat? I swear to you he said to me, "I haven't seen us cross over the double line yet!" Yes, honey, that's because you are too busy looking at your gizmo to realize we're kissing the 18-wheeler in the next lane. I'm looking at my death and thy name is nano.

9. He thinks I am the expert on all things iTunes and iPod. No, I don't know why it's acting up. You know I don't work for Steve Jobs--stop asking me technical questions.

10. If he starts one more sentence with "You know on MY iPod I can..." Unless that sentence ends with "...mint real $20 bills" I'm not interested. I have one...I know what they do.

Guess I'm a real grump today. But doesn't anyone else have the Husband model # willingtoriskthelifeofmyfamilyforthesakeofasong? Forget anti-textmessaging legislation for drivers, I'm all about the silent scroll-wheel killer.

I resolve

Yea, yea...so it's been a while. This isn't a New Years Resolution or anything, I'd just like to make it a new habit. Or something to do while I wait for the writer's strike to end. It's amazing how much I can accomplish when the large black box in my living room is not singing her siren song. Shocking really--Tila Tequila just doesn't do it for me.

So, when did "Happy New Year" become an acceptable greeting on the 2nd? I've been at work all day and I've heard it all over the place. I'm sorry but just because I'm nuking my leftovers when you enter the breakroom doesn't give you the right to yell that pleasantry at me...it's the 2nd...that greeting has expired...much like my leftovers. But maybe it's not the "new year" part that bugs me so much as the "happy." Oh well.