Cheaters never win

In February I applied for a passport. They told me I'd get it in plenty of time. They told me, if I did need to speed things up, I could just call to expedite. Easy, peasy, I'm home free.

Now--the reality:

I'm leaving on Saturday...no passport yet. I am having passport nightmares and stressing out all day about missing the opportunity of a lifetime.

If you have read this blog before, you know I love time management. Just in case you were wondering, the passport information line is the antithesis of spending time wisely.

My online passport status was "being updated" for 3 weeks. I never got my status online until last week. It never gave me a guestimated date of completion. So I crossed my fingers and waited.

But waiting isn't comforting, so two weeks ago, after being on hold for close to 2 hours, they tell me to call back next week (closer to my trip). I tried calling all last week. Here is the rundown:

Monday, Tuesday-- never get though due to "unusual high volume" at passport place. It should be noted, every time I call, there is "unusually high volume," might have to change that to "usual high volume, get comfy, you'll be on hold at least an hour." My favorite part is they tell you to call after 7pm for better service, when in my reality, I have always waited longer at night.

Wednesday--get through after an hour, but are told since my husband is not present, they cannot expedite both our passports.

Thursday-- never get through. I actually hear the recorded voice say "your call is important to us but due to unusually high volume we cannot service your call at this time...goodbye." That's right, there are too many calls to even be put on a 2-hour-hold.

Friday--this is the best one. My husband and I take turns holding the phone. After 2 hours, they pick up (2 minutes AFTER closing time) and my husband starts to use his credit card when..."EHEHEHEH (recording) we're sorry, your call cannot be completed." We get cut off and can't call back because they are already closed. My husband freaks. Oh yea, before we are cut off, the lady says even by expediting they cannot guarantee a passport. Of course they can't! She even chastisizes us for not calling sooner...but doesn't call back when we're cut off because that would be caring and considerate and govenment employees cannot be accused of THAT. (As a former state employee I can say that).

So, I call first thing today (Monday) morning. Only wait on hold for a half an hour! Yippee! Passport lady is sympathetic even apologetic about our deal. I get my passport expedited...well, she says, they could reject the expediting. Huh?!? But whatever, there is HOPE. Then, they need to speak to my husband.

I'd rather not incriminate myself so please follow along and fill in the blanks...

My "husband" gets on the phone and the lady tells him "No, ma'am I really need to speak with your HUSBAND." When he confirms "he" IS "husband" she keeps calling him "ma'am" throughout the inquiry. She doesn't believe she is really talking to my husband (who coincidentally enough must sound like me talking in a lower register. Who knew?) So, "he" gets his passport expedited and then she tells "him" to hold...and then puts him on hold 3 additional times. She definitely thinks my "hubby" is not really my hubby. She is typing away on the file. Uh-oh. No good could come of this. I and "my husband" really don't get a good feeling about this. She is writing bad stuff on the file and if we weren't getting our passport before, we're REALLY not getting it now.

Sure enough, I just checked the online status of my passport. Finally, it has a date of completion! Passport should be here on or about Sunday March 29. One day AFTER we need it. Fantastic. I'm crossing my fingers anyway. Wish me luck.

Signs of spring

1. Robins have returned. Yea.

2. Tulips and daffodils are on the way. I can't wait to garden.

3. The kids waiting for the bus in tank tops and shorts...with today's high of 50. If it was September and the exact same temp, these kids would be wearing sweatshirts and their new winter coat.

4. Stinky pee...asparagus is back baby.

5. DD1 wanting to play EVERY single outside play toy she hasn't seen in 6 months. Yesterday we skated, flew a kite, scootered, biked, sidewalk chalked (a verb, I'm sure) and played basketball, bubbles, and baseball.

Bonus post

I had other posts about my trivial life, but with all this AIG bonus uproar, I had to throw my 2 cents in.

First off, who signed off on all these mandatory bonuses in these peoples' contracts? Isn't the point of a BONUS to award superlative performance? What part of 'biggest losses in AIG history' do you not get? When did bonuses become mandatory, and why did I not get the memo?

I place blame squarely where it deserves...I blame the game shows. They started this whole mandatory extra credit. When you win against your fellow contestants in Wheel of Fortune what happens next? Yes, that's right...the bonus round. But you've already won cash and prizes! Who is there left to battle against? Pat? Vanna? Yourself? The clock? Maybe if you win a certain amount of cash at the start of the show, you should be deserving of the bonus round...but everybody indiscriminately? I say vile, my dear Wheel watchers...you are being deceived.

And what is a signing bonus? Generally athletes aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but they get more money FOR SIGNING THEIR NAME? I can do that...where's my millions? I know, I know, as soon as I can throw a 100-mile-an-hour fastball I can cash in too...but a signing bonus does not sit right with me. You haven't done anything with the new team to merit extra money. You should be low man on the totem pole and the object of random pranks from the veterans, right? (Hey, I've watched baseball movies and that's how it works.)

Do you know how the AIG bonus checks story leaked? These managers probably put up a stink because with their company in the crapper and Madoff in jail, they had nowhere to invest this extra money. Next time guys, put it in your matress, shut your pie hole, and get back to your golf cart. Us working stiffs have to go work a double.

Regional differences

For whatever reason, the poll to the right doesn't want to format right, but inquiring minds want to know...is it ITSY-BITSY or EENSEY-WEENSEY spider?

Other differences between where I grew up and where and I am now:

I love Wisconsin, but people, it is NOT a bubbler; it's a water fountain.

Lunch is dinner and dinner is supper. I still can't keep this one straight. Just tell me when to come and eat.

There is NO such word as ACROST. This one is like nails on a chalk board to me. You're not going acrost the street!

I know there are a bunch more, but I am brain dead today.

Something we can agree on (that most of the country doesn't get) it's POP, not soda.

Sorry folks, the interweb is closed on the weekends.

facebook friends

OK, I'm probably showing my age here, but since facebook is the cool social networking site now, I need to know what is the status quo?

First off, I love catching up and keeping up with friends I normally wouldn't. Being geographically separated from a ton of family and friends, I find the site amazing.

But how do YOU think everyone should use it?

Do you friend EVERYONE you've ever met? Personally, I'm kinda picky with friending. Sorry, but if I didn't ever talk to you in the 4 years of high school we shared, I'm probably not interested in catching up with you now. But if we chatted and had fun at the reunion, we're cool.

If we share a few friends, but I don't know you and the chance we'll ever hang out in real life is minimal, sorry but you're going to sit in my friends purgatory box forever. I am too chicken to DENY your friendship (that's so cold!) but I'm not accepting you either. Better luck next time.

To me, I don't care if I'm not winning any popularity contests (yea...like that was even an option, huh?) I'll just have as many friends as I do, thankyouverymuch.

One of my favorite things is going through my friends' friends. I like to try to figure out their relationships (and I'm secretly judging them. Cruel, huh?) Plus, I usually find a few people I know and it gives me ideas on who I'm missing from my list.

And although I've been known to google old boyfriends (see post from a while back) I wouldn't seek them out on facebook, that shows weakness, right?

BTW, don't send me anything. I don't have time to return your peeps, green beer, movie compatibly requests, and I have no idea what a 'lil green patch even is. Sorry, but I'm just not into that, please don't make me feel guilty about it.

As for the "what are you doing right now" window...I'm torn. I don't take myself too seriously in real life, so why do so in cyber-space? I try to be witty and succinct while not writing too often. I don't want to clutter up everyone's inbox with "Laura is tired;" "Laura is bored while waiting to pick up DD from preschool;" or "Laura thinks eating less and exercising more sucks."

Moving on to pictures. How do you handle them? I just replaced my outdated profile pic because the baby I had on my lap is now ready for kindergarten! Most women have pics of their kids, does it make me vain if I just have me on there? Honestly, I just didn't feel like spending time digging through digital pics to find the perfect one so I snapped a quick webcam photo. I don't want to look like a slob but I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to hard either. UGH.

Speaking of photos, how do you manage kids pics? I don't like to even use my kids names online much less their photos. Am I doing the right thing? Too much responsibility!

And to think our kids will never know what it was like before social networking.

Got to go and see if anyone else wants to be my friend! Please leave your input below...I'd like to know what you think (or else just facebook me!) Thanx.

Idol chit

Ok, a few things about Idol this week:

1. Apparently, I can tolerate Michael Jackson songs as long as they are not sung by Michael Jackson. That wacko-jacko better not show his silly putty face tonight.

2. I can't stand the broadway kid so much I can't even bother to learn his name...ehem, Adam, I'm talking to you. Stop screaming at me and go back to being the missing Goo Goo Doll.

3. Why can't they either run the show on time or get my DVR to record it all?

4. What was up with the poor last girl's phone number --IDOLS36? Yea, that almost makes chronological sense. Dumb Americans can't figure that out...she went 13th...36 isn't even divisible by 13! Luckily she wore no clothes so she'll go through to the next round.

5. Danny Gokey rocks AND he's from Wisconsin. I just wrote something mean about how he won't have to divorce his wife when he becomes a big star, but I thought better of it and deleted it. Just wanted you to know.

6. What is the point of Paula? Breathing distracts her. And did she actually say something semi-mean last night? Get the girl her morphine-drip before she strikes again.

Who will go who will stay and who will remember a year from now?

Waiting...my American pastime.

As others close to me can attest, I am not the most patient person in the world. I have a thing with time management--I want things done efficiently and correctly the first time. I always have a plan, a schedule, and make the most out of my day by multitasking. It's annoying, I understand, but it's just the way I work. BTW, I want others to value my time as much as I do.

Yesterday, that just wasn't happening.

I had a doctor's appt at 3:45, plus, they asked me to come in early to fill out some paperwork. So, in I walk at 3:30. By 4 I was put into a room where they explained how much everything would cost and made me sign papers detailing how I conceded to their money policies. Great first impression, huh? A few minutes later, they moved me to a random office room (not MY doctor's but some other room that hadn't been used since 1972) to wait for the next available doctor's room. I thought that was weird, but whatever. It was my first time there, so I dealt (and sat and stewed). Sure, they had given me a packet to look over (which ate up ten minutes or so), but in the packet was some OTHER patient's personal information. Not a good sign, right? But I sat and sat until 45 minutes later when I peaked my head out. Two seconds after that, the nurse who had put me there realized she had forgotten about me, curtly apologized, and moved me into the right room.

OK, I thought, now I'll be seen right away. Yea, not so much.

I heard the doctor visit the 3 rooms around me then say outside of MY door "Woah, where did this one come from?" She complained that it was after 5 (yea, tell me about it...my appt was an hour and a half ago!) and rushed in without even bothering to read the name on my file. Of course, when she walked in and asked how I was doing, I gathered my courage and anger, furrowed my brow, opened my mouth to voice my displeasure and answered "umm, good." I had planned a different speech in my head about my time being important too and even though this probably wasn't her fault, I wasn't getting the best impression of this practice. So how did "Good, and how are you?" slip out instead? I'm such a chicken!

She jotted random notes (underlining everything) on a quarter-sheet of paper while I talked and she checked her watch (three times). Nice, huh? So, after 2 hours, I got about 2 minutes and a $200 bill. Some health CARE. But the aggravation couldn't end there!

Later that night, I was lucky enough to spend 1.5 hours on hold with the passport application people. While eating away at my cell phone minutes, I filled out their e-mail form, exercised some more, and starting watching Idol. 58 minutes later, I got an actually human who asked for all my info, told me it was being processed but couldn't give me an ETA, told me the website they encourage you to use doesn't work, and told me to call again next week. That's an hour and a half I'll never get back. He was so vague and needed so many details about my info I'm convinced it wasn't a real government employee and instead I just volunteered myself for identity theft. Oh well.

So, this kind of stuff happens to me ALL the time. Something goes cosmically wrong when my name gets attached to something important. I'm the black hole of forms, applications, and doctor's offices around the country. But I can't be the only one, right? Please?

Today, I'm taking a deep breath and starting over. No time like the present...right?

I can stop whenever I want, I swear!

Hi, my name is Laura, and I'm addicted...to Webkinz.

If you don't know what Webkinz are, you probably don't have kids. Webkinz are (more-expensive-than-they-should-be) stuffed animals attached to "secret passwords" that let you play online. Webkinz World is this all-kids website that lets you play games, feed your pet, and earn Kinzcash. It's cheesy...but then, I'm not exactly in their target demographic. You see, normally, 10 year-olds come home from school, have a snack, do homework, and then jump online to feed their little electronic furball. But somewhere along the way, I got hooked.


DD1 got a Webkinz pet as a gift, then two, then a whole bunch. I finally signed her up in Webkinz World to see what all the fuss was about. She can't read yet, but boy can she whiz around Webkinz like she owns the place. Apparently, she had been on the site already with cousins and the daycare provider. So, she (at age 4) got to work setting up house for her virtual pets. Then, as she explained to me, you should set up a garden (which has to be maintained daily) and earn money to keep the pets well fed and clothed. This was my undoing.

Webkinz has this tetris-like game that I was good at. It's called Goober's Lab and I was just playing to earn her Kinzcash...or so I said. Secretly, I would go on her site while she was at school and retool the garden or check for gems (another way to get you to the site daily). My husband would go to bed while I playing countless games...I said it was a stress-reliever. And, after all, I was just helping her, right? Then, I took over. "No dear child you don't want to do that...spend some money here instead." It got so bad, she got me a Webkinz for Christmas so I'd stop playing with hers.

Seriously, could you say no to this face?

It's sad when a grown woman sets up a Webkinz account on Christmas day FOR HERSELF. But it didn't stop me. I found other games, like Get Eleven Solitaire (so designed for parents I'm sure!) and set up my own garden and went in search of my own crown of wonder. I have a problem, and I'm trying to get help. OK, that's a total lie...the website has been undergoing maintenance for like a week and like a junky, I'm having withdrawl symptoms. The first day, I checked the site every 15 minutes, then googled about any problems, then found a youtube video explaining how to sneak onto the site...and tried it. I'm a 33 year-old woman and I'm hacking onto a kids site, what's wrong with me?

So, if you see me shaking or mumbling to myself that I'm worried about "Mooey," just keep walking. And whatever you do, stay away from Webkinz...no good can come from it.

Mom & Pop Musik

Ok, I've never been a music snob. In fact, I kind of go with the flow and will tolerate whatever plays on my favorite pop radio station.

Case in point- I hated that new Fray song until I heard it 20 times, now suddenly it's great. (Plus my 19 mo. old sing "wherR you?" from the backseat which I think is adorable.)

I've been a top 40 DJ and used to hate those women who called up saying we were corrupting the soft brain tissue of their offspring. I even told a program director it was ridiculous to daypart Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." Fun music is fun music and you can turn it off if you don't like it, right?

But now, I'm seeing things from the opposite end of the spectrum. My 5-year-old wants to know what a 'Womanizer' is. I won't let them sing along to"Gives you Hell" and when we car-eoke to Kelly Clarkson's new tune it's "My life would STINK Without You." Am I turning OLD? Nah, couldn't be...music is just getting worse, right?

For now, I'll dodge the question and pop in my iPod when things get too unbearable. But somebody stop me when I finally break down and buy one of those Kidzbop albums...those things are made by the devil himself.

Oh poop.

There are many things I'm quite proud of being able to tolerate now that I'm a mom. For example, I have always had a very weak stomach when it came to blood and other bodily fluids, but somehow, if the yuck comes from something I am responsible for, I usually can handle it. That is, except for a child of mine pooping in the tub.

I'd like to go on record saying cleaning up poop in the tub is the worst task EVER.

It was never a huge deal with my oldest, she did it maybe 3 times total. I would take her to another bath in the house while my husband had the job of cleaning it all up.

But DD2 has a real passion for pooping in the tub. If it was an Olympic sport, she'd medal for sure. I don't know whether a bath just relaxes her, I give them too long to play in the tub, or she just enjoys watching her sister flee in panic...but the girl has got skills.

The first time poop hit the water, DD1 froze in horror. The poor girl handles crisis like her mom...lets just say she better not be an airline pilot. While I scooped out the victim, the perpetrator saw the fruits of her labor and decided she'd like to hold and squish some in her hands. I'm screaming for my husband (whose in the garage getting ready to snow blow the driveway). My naked oldest goes to find her father...outside...in freezing temps. I'm trying to wrestle with the pooper while trying not to get sh%# on, literally. Let's just say it wasn't a pretty picture. Unless you were just observing from the outside, then it was probably hilarious.

Fast forward to last night, I'm just getting towels for the girls when I hear that all too familiar scream of "MOM!" and know what I'm going to find. Double digits of number 2. Even worse, my husband isn't home so I'm gonna have to get the girls washed again somewhere else, put them to bed, then clean up poo. Talk about an exciting Saturday night. It's like my very own episode of Dirty Jobs that gets repeated twice a week at my house. Yuck.

So what do you think is the worst job ever?

What the?

Ok, so where have I been? Well, just moving and adjusting to my new life sans interweb.

Perhaps, I grossly underestimated the extra time I had at work to be online. It didn't seem like that much time was spent goofing off. However, now that's it's gone I miss it....dearly. Especially now that facebook is life's little friend finder/doodle notebook. Oh well.

I definitely overestimated the time I'd be able to be online at my new gig (stay-at-home mom). Don't get me wrong, I love my little monsters and this is a gig of a lifetime...but my bosses are a little more demanding in this career path. There is no longer opportunity for a long lunch, ducking out for a haircut or doctor's appointment, 401K plan, and certainly no such thing as a 3-day weekend in my world now. However, I don't have to run all my errands on the weekends or after the kids go to bed, (but I do have to take them with me everywhere we go now). Hey, I get paid in smiles (and oh yea, tantrums) so it all evens out.

So, I'm living in this small town town now. There are positives and negatives to small time life...rush hour is from 5:02-5:12, it doesn't take more than 20 minutes to get anywhere, and the schools are good. But this town isn't exactly techno-savvy yet. I have friends w/o e-mail addresses...it's like living with the amish! At least I have finally talked the cable company into sending me a DVR. A girl has to have SOMETHING, right? And culture? Well, sure, if you count high school performances of all your favorite musical theatre...we've got it.

Hey, in this economy I shouldn't knock it. We have a roof over our head, job security, and lots of laughter. Now, excuse me while I neglect DD1 some more for the sake of showering. See you all again in 6 months.