Pretty people get a pass

If I hear one more person shockingly state about the (ahem...alleged...) craig's list killer that it's a real shame because he 1)is not bad looking or 2)was going to be a doctor, I myself might have to get violent.

People: You can be pretty and still be evil. You can be smart and still not be nice. Jeez, haven't you seen Heathers or really any other teen movie in the last 20 years? Scratch that, were you never IN high school?

Attractive people do horrible things all the time. But I think as a society, pretty people are allowed to get away with more. Just think, if Anna Nicole or Jessica Simpson had kept her roots (both literally and figuratively) she'd just be another idiot buck-toothed brunette. But because she looks like a Barbie doll, we let her stupidity slide.

Maybe it's because I'm not in the privileged group of people that gets the benefit of the doubt, I'm on the outside looking in ALL the time but it happens ALL the time...at the grocery store, at the coffee shop, and of course, at the bar.

I have a bigger rant here (and don't even get me started on his fiance...what is she waiting for...the movie deal?) but my husband is reading this over my shoulder and is making me crazy. If he wasn't so cute, I'd kick his ass. At thusly, I prove my point.

Happy (belated) Earth Day

What did you do for Earth Day? I like Earth Day because by design it will never become a Hallmark holiday. Killing trees for Earth Day defeats the purpose, no? Watching TV shows about Earth Day does too, but for some reason, I'll let that slide.

Every year, Earth Day events seem to get bigger. This year there was even a movie premiering on Earth Day. If you saw the Disney flick, you were supposta have also planted a tree in the rain forest, just by buying a ticket. But I'm highly skeptical of those kinds of Earth Day gimmicks. If I see another commercial telling me if I buy their product, they will in turn save the world, my head will explode. My thought is if you can save the Earth, then do so. My 2 dollars shouldn't prevent you from doing a great justice to Earthkind. It's a tax write-off anyway, so plant the tree anyway, dammit.

How am I Earth friendly?

I have a number of reusable bags. But every other visit to the store I either: 1)Have forgotten my bags at my house (my husband insists on "cleaning" my car and taking out the bags because he sees them as clutter. He is very anti-earth.);or 2)Have forgotten them in my car (going back out with two kids isn't practical and by the time I remember it's check out time). So, chalk one up to trying to be earth friendly but failing miserably. I do take all my plastic bags back in to the store for recycling though, so I'm not a horrible, terrible person (for THAT reason anyway).

As an aside, I stopped capitalizing earth because for some reason when I type it, it never capitalizes and I just have to go back and do it again and it's driving me crazy. Thankyouverymuch.

I have CFLs (which I now hear are dangerous and have to be thrown away somewhere else because they contain mercury...but I'll worry about that in 5 years when they're supposta burn out). LCD bulbs are the next best thing but even though they save $$ in the long run it's difficult to shell out $40 for a bulb.

I have a smart surge protector, that doesn't work...but I tried. And next year, I'd LOVE a vegetable garden, so I'd like to think I'm doing my part. You?

For whatever reason, I've caught the Oprah on earth day 2 years in a row. I usually don't watch her but 2 things struck me yesterday. THIS TURTLE. I am horrified. So is my daughter...ooops, bad mommy moment. (If your wondering, the turtle got a plastic ring stuck on it when it was little, then the shell grew around it through adulthood.) The other thing was Oprah talking about her vegetable garden then admitting she doesn't do anything, but she has her "people" bring her fresh food and it's amazing. Only Oprah. Maybe if she would get her people to plant some trees in the rain forest, we wouldn't need an Earth Day Show. Just saying...Happy (belated) Earth Day.

Dang it.

As I was laying in bed last night, I thought up a really good post. One with lots of good points and broad appeal.

For the life of me I can't think of it now...and I've been trying all day. Sit tight.

I'm broke

Ok, I don't have a ton of time today...I have to find a car.

Why do I need a car... when I love my current car? when I'm broke? when that's the last thing I want to spend my free time doing?

Oh yea...that's right, the camper my husband bought cannot be towed by our current vehicle safely. If your thinking, "hmmm, I would have thought he had checked that out before buying it" then you do not know my husband very well. It's my fault really, because I know my husband well and didn't ask. Oh wait, I did ask and he said it would be fine. My bad (somehow).

As you can tell I'm oh so happy about spending MORE money on this disaster. As it is, he's got camping booked 5 of the first 6 weeks of summer. I had to tell him to cancel a reservation because, oh yea, my brothers getting married and all so we probably should attend that.

Men! And to think we let them rule the world. SCARY.

In this economy, everyone is tightening their belts. I can no longer buy crap willy-nilly. (That makes me sad just writing it.) What can I do? I was frugal enough before this economic crisis, dammit! I can only save so much before my head wants to explode and spree through every store in the strip mall.

Of course, I could just get a job. Yea, right! I've been waiting for summer since signing onto this gig. It's one of the best perks...besides that getting to see your children grow up one (trust me, some days that is NOT a selling point.)

For many Americans, Wal*Mart is the answer. I like Wally's OK, it's cheap and they have great carbonated flavored water. But the parking lot is always atrocious, the other shoppers are everywhere (and usually poorly-hygiened) and there is always a random cart placed exactly where I need to be.

I prefer Target, even though in this day and age I rarely get an opportunity to shop there. It's bright and clean there. It costs more, but most of the time the quality is better. Plus, they always have cute dresses for the girls. And is it me or does it even smell better there?

Am I a snob for liking Target over Wally World? Maybe. But I'm Ok with that. Most of the time anyway.

Here's one last SAT-thingy (analogy?) I will leave you with before my car hunt.

Walmart is to public schools as Target is to private ones. While I'd like to send my daughter to a public school, my wallet says otherwise. Luckily the public schools aren't so bad here. And I hear the yellow smiley face makes an OK principal.

Too beautiful to blog!

Because it's really just about what's on the outside that counts...the weather is too nice to spend the day inside in my basement typing away. Sorry.

What? The Interweb isn't anonymous?

So, this technology thing has my head spinning. I love it and it scares me poopless for my kids. I didn't have to grow up with EVERYTHING out there for EVERYONE like they will, but whatever, if it's the end of civilization as we know it there's nothing I can do (but, ya know, tweet "End of world? Really? Who knew? See you on the other side!")

So, I'm now a stay-at-home mom with no boss. Consequently, my facebook site is open to all. I figure I'd like to find people from the past and I hopefully won't need gainful employment until facebook is RIP. I link to my blog on facebook and on twitter too. (So, yes, now that I don't do anything, I write about it constantly.) I wouldn't write all the time if I didn't want people to read about my pathetic existence.

But now, you can find facebook friends and twitterers from your e-mail contacts (actually, I can't...thanks msn! But MOST people can.) This is creating an avalanche of people who have access to my inner thoughts. I'm not sure I like this.

A friend from my old work found me yesterday and I was OVERJOYED. I heart her, but she is also following my former boss. Hmmm. I like him and all but if he decides to go snooping in my bizzness he'll discover 1) I might have perhaps occasionally blogged during work hours (it was during my lunch breaks I'm sure) ; and 2) It will be v. clear I am definitely not as smart as he always thought I was.

In a completely off-topic side note: do you have words that no matter how many times you write them, you can't spell them? One of mine is definitely definitely. See, I just had to spell check it...twice.

Back to the topic. I find myself filtering some of my thoughts (I know what your thinking..."Really? This is you filtered? Really?!" And yes, parentheticals and ellipses have ALWAYS been my friend.)

But I find myself thinking "hmmm, my mom is reading...should I really include that vagina license plate?" Or the one that scared me the most: my husband. He asked about my blog the other day. Someone told him it was hilarious and my first thought was "which should I choose-- the delete all button or the divorce papers." Luckily, he's not a computer guy and hasn't bothered to check my blog yet...or is preparing those papers as I type. Oh well.

So, although I'm more aware of whose eyes are out there, in the words of that philosopher Madonna, "I'm gonna keep my baby...oooh, oh." and there will be more blogging to come. Maybe even about something interesting, for even a blind squirrel and all....

Gizmo girl

Taking the cue from a Somali pirate, Spring is refusing to be sprung. It teases us with a day or two of sunshine but that's it-- no real warm temps, or warm temps but strong winds, or like yesterday SNOW. It's getting rather annoying. Let go Old Man Winter, can't you see our time is through? We LIKE flirting with Spring, so please lose our number, Winter, at least until next Christmas Eve.

I'm craving spring and summer so bad, I've actually started planting flowers in the house. I have this little greenhouse in the kitchen now. It's kind of cool to see these tiny little seeds develop into these amazing flowering plants. (God, I just heard my mother in that sentence) It's a good project for the 5-year-old too. I'm running out of things we can do inside. She can only color for so long.

One thing I don't mind doing inside is exercising. I'm a gizmo girl so all my exercise "equipment" is electronic. Specifically (try not to laugh) Dance, Dance Revolution and Wii Fit. I love me exercise gizmos because they focus me to actually do the work. Truth be told, I don't usually mind exercising. It's the time commitment that sucks (oh, and that one-handed stand- up strength training exercise on Wii Fit, that REALLY sucks).

For whatever reason I actually do regularly exercise with these games more than I would with anything else. I did Curves before I got married, but generally gyms are for bulky men and judging women. I love to walk outside (with my iPod's long list of podcasts of course) but real cardio like running and biking is too hard...or rather I'm too wimpy. I do love me some rollerblading, but seeing a 33-year-old mother of two out on the street blading must be tough for the neighbors and for some reason they don't let me into the all-night-high-school-lock-in skates anymore.

Don't get me wrong, every time the Wii tells me giddily "You're overweight!" I wanna punch it. And you might catch me cheating while doing my push-up/side plank training. And I'm not sure how throwing a panda head at me is exercise, but whatever, I'll take it. Beats sitting out in the cold. BTW, beat it cold.

Title in progress

I am indecisive. I always have been and always will be.

I am also very forgetful. Like my mother, I have early onset Alzheimer's (undiagnosed since the age of oh, about, 13).

This is a terrible combination if you are trying to sustain a blog.

I think of these really cool things to write about, then they pop out of my brain moments later when something shiny crosses my path. Or I have too many ideas and can't figure out which is the best. Or, I just run out of time.

On a side note, I'm finding time hard to come by these days. Here I thought SAHMs (stay-at-home-moms) were ladies of leisure. I envisioned being able to scrapbook and have hours of playing with the kids. I had ideas that we'd do crafts one day, music another, and at least one field trip a week. Yea, right! I have no idea where the time goes (probably hiding under the bed like the dog right now) but it's not here. Somehow you always manage to fill in all the space with other things and somehow you always think you're just a tiny bit busier than somebody else (I'm pointing at you MIL).

But back to the indecisiveness. Driving around the area, everybody has got vanity plates here; they much be cheaper than in other states. It's amusing to decipher the text and think up what mine would say. But that's where I hit a stumbling block. Either I'm just not creative enough or there isn't anything I'm that passionate about. Nothing I do makes me want to scream it from my bumper. Plus, I'd be too embarrassed that what I put on there would be so not cool. Pop culture doesn't lend itself to being emblazoned in metal for many years. Can you imagine having HOOTIE on your license now (not even Darius Rucker wants that).

Another aside, did you hear about the lady who tried to brag about her love of tofu on a license? Seriously, did she not read LOVETOFU and see other (dirty) things? C'mon! I betcha she's blond...and loves to fu...I mean Tofu.

Anyway, since I can't decide on a license, I'll never get a tattoo. Not because I don't think they're cool just because 1) I can't even decide where to put up pictures on my walls and 2) chances are whatever I would get would be ridiculous and dated the second the ink was dry.

Anyway, what's my point? I have none.

Indecisive+Forgetful-time consuming= 1 horrible blog, sorry! (They promised me there would be no math!)

Ooo, something shiny, gotta go!

The Noliday

Sorry, Easter I'm revoking your holiday privileges. You are no longer a top-tier holiday. Sure, you used to sit up there at the top with Christmas and Thanksgiving, but now you're relegated to the back of the pile with MLK Day and Mother's Day. Don't worry, you've still got a leg up on Arbor Day but I'd keep an eye on that Earth Day, it's been gathering strength thanks to that Gore guy.

Is it my imagination or is Easter not the holiday it once was? I have a theory about its fall from grace.

First, it's always on a Sunday. Duh, most Americans already have that day off, you're not doing us any good shortening the work week, Easter. What about Good Friday you ask? Well, since it has major religious undertones, most work places and some schools don't recognize it anymore. Thanks ACLU.

Next, it's always moving. We called Native Americans crazy for their celestial calender then celebrate based on moon placement? Sometimes it's in early March next it's late April. Either way, it's never warm enough for my girls to wear their cute Easter dresses anyway.

Thirdly, thanks to crazy global technologies like the airplane and the interweb people aren't where they started anymore. At a conference in Spain I met so many people who I had relocated at least once. (In a weird sidenote, the heart of it all- Ohio, seemed to be a stop on everybody's list. I met a girl living in Miami who grew up in Parma and an agent in St. Louis who used to coach at Hiram. Ohioites unite!) Families are all over the place now. I can't come back to the homestead for ham and hard-boiled eggs without the days off work and with only 40 days notice.

Lastly, everything is open on Easter now! Forgot something for the Easter feast? Don't worry the drug store is open. No, wait, the grocery store decided to keep its doors open too. Heck, you can now get a haircut on Easter Sunday. It's not special and it's borderline ridiculous--kinda of like decorating eggs with a 5 year-old.

One last factor: every holiday now involves candy. All Valentines now come with a mandatory sucker or sweet...it's in the rules now. The poor Easter Bunny used to share his stash with only Halloween but times have changed, bucko.

So, Easter, it's time to step up so you can rise again (get it? Rise again? Easter? I'm hilarious with the Christian humor). It's time to get your head in the game Easter. Call me when your ready for sponsorships or maybe a tie-in with March Madness.

Rainbowbetical order

So, I pretend I'm an organized person. I love lists, schedules, and shopping for organizational stuff (I would die happy in The Container Store). But really, I don't know who I'm kidding, all my stuff ends up in piles anyway. Big, giant, I swallowed Toledo piles.

I love the idea of being organized but not the actual follow through. Unfortunately, organization takes work, not cute little labelled multi-colored boxes. Oh well.

Case in point, I am really procrastinating switching the girls' clothes to their spring/summer wardrobe. I hate the change in seasons because I have to dig through all kinds of clothes, sort them, and remember to label all the old stuff (OK, 5 years in and I have NEVER labelled DD1's old clothes. Guess I wasn't counting on DD2 to need it but now the stuff is just a mess.) Plus, I get tons of clothes from the outside world (older cousins for example) and they all come willy-nilly in different sizes and seasons. I'm up to my ears in onesies that are too small and turtlenecks that are too big. I hate switching out my kids clothes...so I go to my happy place. RAINBOWBETICAL ORDER. You heard me (or read me or whatever).

Rainbowbetical: (adj.) Arranging objects in order of the colors of the rainbow. (So what if it's a made up word, it's MY made up word.)

Gays have waved the pride flag of the arc of the spectrum recently, but I've always been a big rainbow fan; Roy G. Biv and I are tight (likethis). All my clothes in my closet are in rainbowbetical order, the girls closets too. In fact, everything in my house that has multiple colors must follow the pattern or else it's no good.

I won't buy something I like if it has the colors in the wrong order; why do manufactures insist on ROYVBG? That's so WRONG!

I have colored Easter eggs out in a pretty decorated basket and every year my husband thinks it's hysterical to rearrange the eggs out of rainbowbetical order because he knows it drives me insane. And it does drive me insane.

Hello, my name is Laura and I have rainbow OCD. I'm off to find a support group, I'm sure there's one on the interweb somewhere.

My husband has a wait problem.

In every relationship there is a give and take, a push and pull, a ying and yang. As much as we would like to have it our way all the time, we can't all be Kate Gossling, right? The key is compromise.

I have just learned the price of our Spain trip (no, it WAS a free trip, but I'll be paying in blood, sweat, and probably tears for many years to come.) You see, my husband didn't really want to go to Spain but he went because I really wanted to go. (Seriously, who turns down a free trip to Spain? Fun-hater.)

The night we got back, however, I learned his brother had found "the perfect camper for us" and I now would be part of a camping family. I had walked into a trap; 3 days in Europe have cost me (at minimum) 3 months of bugs, showering with strangers, and trying to put a 2 year-old to bed in a tiny tinny box.

I understand the whole camping thing. Honestly, I wouldn't be opposed to it if our kids were a tad older...like sleeping in a bed. But it's just too soon to live this nightmare.

Not to get all Dr. Phil but Chad was an ooops baby and is nearly 6 years younger than his closest sibling. He has always been playing catch up through life, and now I too must suffer the consequences. Chad always wants to rush through the present to get to the future; I like hanging out in the here and now. He's already looking forward to retirement while I'm telling our kids they are not allowed to grow up without my permission. It's a very different way of thinking, but we usually can make it work.

His brothers and (older) cousins have been camping for a few years now. I have always been able to hold off on the camper nonsense that Chad has been spouting since we were married. The first year, it only took a look of exasperation (OK, it was the 'Look of Death,' ladies: you know what I mean). Then, a sentence or two denying the practicality of a camper WITH A BABY. By year 3 I was spending the spring talking him down from the ledge. After that, I was drowning in camper talk but had always managed to stay afloat. Until...

Last year, he tricked me at season's end. My guard was down, it was fall. His brother had called and he wasn't using the camper at the site on the Sunday of Labor Day (that's the Sept one, right? I always confuse Labor and Memorial Day...sorry Vets.) We spent the day there. Wait scratch that (memo to self, learn how to strike text like all the cool other bloggers do). I spent the day with the baby while DH drank and watched 4 year-old in pool (yea, that's a GREAT combo, right?) Then baby never went to sleep and we left at the crack of dawn with cranky, hungover husband. I left happy, for I knew all camper talk would be squashed.

But like a villain in bad dinner theatre, this idea just won't die. Husband now has selective memory and 5 year-old is not helping my cause. In fact, let's call her out as the traitor she is. She has gone to the dark side...which is appropriate because the two things she has gotten from my husband are a love of Star Wars and love of camping. If she didn't look like me (and you know wasn't pushed out from my nether regions) I would question my relationship to her.

So, come Memorial Day (or vice-versa) you can be sure to catch me smelling like au de bonfire and bugspray. Yum.

Do campsites have wireless Internet?

So what...I'm still a rock star.

Yes, I used to be an editor. (But I edited legislation, so it wasn't really important. And I never EVER claimed to be good at my job.)

Yes, my blog is full of grammatical (and various other) errors.

Yes, it would bother me if someone else wrote without bothering to proofread.

Suck it.

Some things I learned in Spain

I don't know how I'll ever find the time to describe my trip in detail, but here are some things I learned in Spain.

1. My husband is one of those people who believes louder volume is the key to having people understand your language. He actually said "SPEEEEAK ENGLISH!" to the hotel maids. Duh dude, you usually can't find a hotel maid that speaks English in the states, so good luck. On a related note, when there is a light switch panel controlling the whole room's lights and one of the buttons says "make-up room" and you keep hitting it thinking they are talking about the exterior bathroom light -you are wrong. It will keep telling the maids you want you room cleaned so be nice to them when they show up.

2. Americans are dumb. I met a 50 year-old woman who stated "I just LOVE that word hola. I'm going to keep using it even at home. I don't know how to spell it, but I love it." The kicker: she was from Texas. She also leaned over and asked me what "majestic" meant...and she was dead serious.

3. (Related to #2) Brussels is in Belgium. My bad, I thought we were going to connect in Germany. My geography is so bad that sitting in the Brussels airport we played "what country are they going to" while reading the destinations cities. I think I got 2 right...including Barcelona.

4. You think contractors in the states are bad? There is a church in Barcelona that is still being built, 126 years later...with AT LEAST 20 years to go. BTW even though you would think the artist Gaudi and the english word gawdy are related after looking at his work, they are not. He was however a big fan of the shrooms.

5. If there is an annoying couple on the airplane (we called them Drunk Guy and Drunk Girl because we're creative like that) they will be following you to your destination city, and if you're lucky they will be at the same conference so you will have to endure them for many more hours to come, enjoy.