PICK YOUR COLOR

Have you ever identified something in your self that was so essentially WHO YOU ARE as a person that you had to share?  This is that post.  So essentially Laura, in the most idiotic way.

I have been getting my nails done regularly for a while now.  Not often enough, as I usually wait until my polish is half grown out, I believe this form of self-care works for me but I'm also too cheap to make it a habit.

That's not the self-discovery.  I actually like getting a mani-pedi once I am there and it's an indulgence I can afford, so what the hell is the problem?

"Pick your color," the guy says, so nonchalantly.  He doesn't understand;

1. I NEVER pick the right color.

2. I doubt myself FOREVER about something as stupid as color choice.

3. I could go 15 minutes early, and still not be OK deciding.  All those choices in front of me.  Sometimes, I'm sure and then the color on doesn't even look close to what I picked.  Sometimes, I just point to something when they ask, going with my gut.  Sometimes, I pick, then change my mind by the time they get to my nails.  Sometimes I check the internet beforehand for something that looks good.  It is so much self-doubt I can't believe I actually call this an enjoyable activity.

Last time I went to a new place and LOVED the color of my nails.  It was an absolute miracle.

So today when I went back, I hemmed and hawed.  Do I get a variation of the color I loved last time?  Do I go completely opposite?  I wound up choosing a bright pink for my toes and an ocean variety (aqua lite?) for my nails.  Not the craziest decisions I've ever made.

I didn't hate my toes.  But while they were being painted, I could see the color I chose for the nails.  It mocked me.  Would it "match" the toe color?  (No, I never do.)  Would it be too dark, too disappointing, too noticeable?  I sat and literally stared at the chip display that the guy had thrown on the chair next to me.  My choice sat and stared me down.  It said "You sure you gonna like me?"  I thought, that's silly, nail color is on for like a month, then I can change it to anything I want...not a huge commitment.  But you are paying for this says my self-doubt, are you absolutely sure you even LIKE that color?  This goes on and I glance back at my choice ALL PEDICURE long.

I walk from the toe station to the finger station.  Riveting journalism, I know.  Sitting there is a light bluish purple, a color I "normally" default to.  It's just sitting there at his station already.  Nail technician says "Is this your color?"  I actually speak up and say "No, I chose a greener color."  He goes to get up but then I add "whatever, that color is fine."  WHY DID I DO THAT?!?

He does a double take and asks "Are you sure?" Because who would just slap a color they hadn't chosen on their nails?  Me.  That's who.  I assure him it's great then every fiber in my being fights to pull away when he applies the color I JUST TOLD HIM WOULD BE OK.  What the hell is wrong with me?

I sit staring at the color now.  Does it have sparkles?  It is bluer than I thought.  Does it go with anything?

I am ridiculous, and I know it.  And I NEED every possible choice in life to make a decision, then second-guess that decision, because there were too many choices.  After I cannot go back on the choice I made, I am still thinking about whether or not that was the best decision.  

And its nail color.  And I'm anxious...about something that will only last a month.  And that's me, in a nutshell.