Cheaters never win

In February I applied for a passport. They told me I'd get it in plenty of time. They told me, if I did need to speed things up, I could just call to expedite. Easy, peasy, I'm home free.

Now--the reality:

I'm leaving on Saturday...no passport yet. I am having passport nightmares and stressing out all day about missing the opportunity of a lifetime.

If you have read this blog before, you know I love time management. Just in case you were wondering, the passport information line is the antithesis of spending time wisely.

My online passport status was "being updated" for 3 weeks. I never got my status online until last week. It never gave me a guestimated date of completion. So I crossed my fingers and waited.

But waiting isn't comforting, so two weeks ago, after being on hold for close to 2 hours, they tell me to call back next week (closer to my trip). I tried calling all last week. Here is the rundown:

Monday, Tuesday-- never get though due to "unusual high volume" at passport place. It should be noted, every time I call, there is "unusually high volume," might have to change that to "usual high volume, get comfy, you'll be on hold at least an hour." My favorite part is they tell you to call after 7pm for better service, when in my reality, I have always waited longer at night.

Wednesday--get through after an hour, but are told since my husband is not present, they cannot expedite both our passports.

Thursday-- never get through. I actually hear the recorded voice say "your call is important to us but due to unusually high volume we cannot service your call at this time...goodbye." That's right, there are too many calls to even be put on a 2-hour-hold.

Friday--this is the best one. My husband and I take turns holding the phone. After 2 hours, they pick up (2 minutes AFTER closing time) and my husband starts to use his credit card when..."EHEHEHEH (recording) we're sorry, your call cannot be completed." We get cut off and can't call back because they are already closed. My husband freaks. Oh yea, before we are cut off, the lady says even by expediting they cannot guarantee a passport. Of course they can't! She even chastisizes us for not calling sooner...but doesn't call back when we're cut off because that would be caring and considerate and govenment employees cannot be accused of THAT. (As a former state employee I can say that).

So, I call first thing today (Monday) morning. Only wait on hold for a half an hour! Yippee! Passport lady is sympathetic even apologetic about our deal. I get my passport expedited...well, she says, they could reject the expediting. Huh?!? But whatever, there is HOPE. Then, they need to speak to my husband.

I'd rather not incriminate myself so please follow along and fill in the blanks...

My "husband" gets on the phone and the lady tells him "No, ma'am I really need to speak with your HUSBAND." When he confirms "he" IS "husband" she keeps calling him "ma'am" throughout the inquiry. She doesn't believe she is really talking to my husband (who coincidentally enough must sound like me talking in a lower register. Who knew?) So, "he" gets his passport expedited and then she tells "him" to hold...and then puts him on hold 3 additional times. She definitely thinks my "hubby" is not really my hubby. She is typing away on the file. Uh-oh. No good could come of this. I and "my husband" really don't get a good feeling about this. She is writing bad stuff on the file and if we weren't getting our passport before, we're REALLY not getting it now.

Sure enough, I just checked the online status of my passport. Finally, it has a date of completion! Passport should be here on or about Sunday March 29. One day AFTER we need it. Fantastic. I'm crossing my fingers anyway. Wish me luck.