The Noliday

Sorry, Easter I'm revoking your holiday privileges. You are no longer a top-tier holiday. Sure, you used to sit up there at the top with Christmas and Thanksgiving, but now you're relegated to the back of the pile with MLK Day and Mother's Day. Don't worry, you've still got a leg up on Arbor Day but I'd keep an eye on that Earth Day, it's been gathering strength thanks to that Gore guy.

Is it my imagination or is Easter not the holiday it once was? I have a theory about its fall from grace.

First, it's always on a Sunday. Duh, most Americans already have that day off, you're not doing us any good shortening the work week, Easter. What about Good Friday you ask? Well, since it has major religious undertones, most work places and some schools don't recognize it anymore. Thanks ACLU.

Next, it's always moving. We called Native Americans crazy for their celestial calender then celebrate based on moon placement? Sometimes it's in early March next it's late April. Either way, it's never warm enough for my girls to wear their cute Easter dresses anyway.

Thirdly, thanks to crazy global technologies like the airplane and the interweb people aren't where they started anymore. At a conference in Spain I met so many people who I had relocated at least once. (In a weird sidenote, the heart of it all- Ohio, seemed to be a stop on everybody's list. I met a girl living in Miami who grew up in Parma and an agent in St. Louis who used to coach at Hiram. Ohioites unite!) Families are all over the place now. I can't come back to the homestead for ham and hard-boiled eggs without the days off work and with only 40 days notice.

Lastly, everything is open on Easter now! Forgot something for the Easter feast? Don't worry the drug store is open. No, wait, the grocery store decided to keep its doors open too. Heck, you can now get a haircut on Easter Sunday. It's not special and it's borderline ridiculous--kinda of like decorating eggs with a 5 year-old.

One last factor: every holiday now involves candy. All Valentines now come with a mandatory sucker or sweet...it's in the rules now. The poor Easter Bunny used to share his stash with only Halloween but times have changed, bucko.

So, Easter, it's time to step up so you can rise again (get it? Rise again? Easter? I'm hilarious with the Christian humor). It's time to get your head in the game Easter. Call me when your ready for sponsorships or maybe a tie-in with March Madness.